Local government buildings in south Louth flew their flags at half-mast this evening as the Headless Horseman of Collon announced his retirement. It brings to an end continual service dating back to 1651 when the Horseman took up employment in the bleak aftermath of the Cromwellian invasion.

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The cloistered life of the Sienna nuns was briefly shocked from silence this morning as two of their superfluity were suspended without prayer. Two young nuns are accused of lacing communion wafers with terrible sins. Being a silent order, the two alleged saboteurs were ordered off convent grounds by what one onlooker described as “a game of cruel charades.” The wafers had been circulating in St. Peter’s parish, Drogheda, for three weeks.

Families and friends of sick patients in our Lady of Lourdes Hospital have been eulogizing the newly introduced valet service at the hospital car park. There had been widespread complaints about the scandalously high parking fees of €4 with a full day capped at €20. Car owners visiting poorly relatives were literally getting sick when hit with the parking fee on their way out.