Around the Villages

November Notices

Mell Wheel of Fortune

Locals from Mell and Mell only are invited to the Parish Hall on Friday 27th November at 8pm for the penultimate spin of 2015. With no winner of last month’s spin, the jackpot has snowballed to an incredible €810,000. But don’t be disappointed if you aren’t chosen to spin the wheel; spot prizes include a speed boat (and trailer), a top of the range Super Ser and a timeshare in a Burj al Arab penthouse.

Termonfeckin OCD Line Dancing

Termonfeckin’s OCD line dancers have called on Louth County Council to intervene and re-floor the entire Parish Hall with a single sheet of wood with no lines or cracks on it. Current conditions prohibit the group from availing of the facility.

A compromise was mediated last year and the Parish Hall re-laid in two segments. However, a cocktail of clerical intransigence and increased levels of Garth Brooks talk in the area has seen a massive swell in membership.

As things stand, the group does not have ample space on their side of the hall to dance in a continuous, symmetrical line, causing much anxiety and unnecessary anguish. Three members of the group were hospitalized last month after a mix up in communication saw the whole hall lined for basketball, scot, catch a man kill a man and levo.

We Buy Clothes Closes

Cheated on partners’ favourite store We Buy Clothes has closed after all the clothes have been bought. The shop, which bought clothes by the kilo (including used schoolgirl underwear for the Japanese vending machine market, but that’s another story…) and then shipped them to Africa to sell for a tidy mark-up, shut its doors recently for the last time after enough clothes had been bought to give the population of Burundi a new wardrobe.

Baltray Travelator

Tenders are open for the proposed tourist travelator from the Merchant’s Quay to Baltray. Once finished it will be the longest outdoor travelator in Europe, but not the quickest. Set up by Baltray Tourism Incorporated, the walkway aims to open up the delights of Baltray to the wider world and render obsolete the walkway from Drogheda to Bettystown and any tourism bounce it thought it was gonna get.

Renaming of Dominic’s Bridge

Drogheda Borough Council have announced a competition to rename Dominic’s Bridge ahead of the closure of the moribund Dominican Church. Councillors cited an overall increase in education levels and stricter secular controls on bridge naming as the reason for the rebranding.

The bridge is one of the few remaining bridges in the country that has a road on it yet prohibits cars. Drogheda Borough Council has sprayed the railings with anti-hunger strike spray in anticipation of any sacristans chaining themselves to it for a few days for publicity and then cracking like bad teeth at the first sight of a Twix.

Ye Olde Historical Society

Ye Olde Historical Society, now under new leadership thank heavens, will be holding a live re-enactment of the bombing of Duleek during World War Two. To preserve the authenticity of the experience no warning will be given. The event will be drone filmed.

August announcements

Clogherhead

The ideals of The Enlightenment will be suspended on Sunday afternoon as Fr. Pat Mac an tSagart performs the Blessing of the Boats in the harbour. Crews will be asked to turn off any electrical equipment on their trawlers lest it interfere with the prayers to our Lord. A special talk on the pointlessness of swimming will also be given by Fr. Pat as well as a crash course in walking on water. There will be a collection for the church and a group prayer for the fishermen.

Baltray

Parents who have not yet enrolled their children in this year’s Anti-Traveller Summer Camp are instructed to do so without further ado. This year’s theme is on the traveller and technology – challenges and pitfalls. No settled travellers, parish records will be checked back to 1700.

Termonfeckin

The fifth Annual Sheepdog trials are to be held on the last Sunday of this month. Renowned dog handler Hans Flanagan, whose father trained Hitler’s German Shepard Blondi, will oversee the event. Sheepdogging is a serious and necessary business. Jewish sheep dogs are advised to be on their toes. Accidents have happened.

Newfoundwell

Residents of Harmony Heights are appealing to the newest homeowner in the estate to cease dumping his rubbish in the public bin opposite the school. The residents association wish to remind the new homeowner that while such behaviour may be acceptable and even applauded in council estates, it is considered uncouth and socially deviant for a mature private estate. Further instances will result in action being taken, including orders that children be ignored.

Duleek

A pilot scheme aimed at increasing adult literacy in Meath kicks off this weekend at the fair as seven new words are to be released in Duleek. Hello at 3/1 is being heavily backed by outsiders while please 8/1, cousin 11/2 and shift 12/1 are early front runners.

The scheme is being tested in conjunction with a social behaviour plan aimed at decreasing the violent anti-social behaviour that has plagued the county since Dublin began its expansion in the early 2000s.

Collon

The IT monks of Collon are branching out this year in their annual call for hair donations. The monks traditionally pride themselves on using locally sourced hair for their hairshirts. However recent a falloff in Believers coupled with an increase in male pattern baldness in the area has seen the itch count of the monks hairshirts fall dangerously low. Abbot Jeff is calling for Collon’s #Beliebers to step in to fill void.

Sandpit

Local Sandpit Nazis have distanced themselves from recent acts of road graffiti and bad spelling around the border with Meath. A spokesman for the Sandpit branch said that if it were the Nazis, they would have staged a more bombastic and stylish intimidation.


 

 June announcements

Weirhope is holding a plebiscite over the proposed removal of the word hope from the town land name. Residents cite the closure of the Marsh House pub and daily life under a bridge as the main reasons for the lack of hope in the area.

Weir is holding a plebiscite over the proposed removal of the word weir from the town land name. Given that there is no longer a weir in the area, residents think it inappropriate and misleading.

Tulleyallen Erotic Art Collective will host their annual golf outing this coming Saturday at Townley Hall Golf Club. The course will be closed to the public after numerous complaints last year about what constitutes a live erotic golf sculpture and public calls for more clarification on the boundaries between self expression, pornography and art. Tee off at 11am. €25 – €10 discount for undergraduate art students.

Duleek Celtic Supporters Club will be holding a preparatory course in anti-England bile ahead of Sunday’s clash with ‘the auld enemy’ in the Aviva Stadium. Organisers see it as a great opportunity for kids who haven’t yet had the experience of abusing the English in a stadium setting to come along and learn the chants and some Up the RA songs. Nobody wants to witness the indignity of a true Gael not knowing the words to an anti-English chant.

Speakers on the night include branch members who were in Lansdowne Road in February 1995 and weren’t one bit surprised by the antics of the hooligan English fans given the famine and whatnot. Despite peaceful intentions, many members were forced to knock seven bells out of the hooligan Brits before marching them back to the boats with their tail between thesir legs. There will be a collection for ‘the cause’ on the night with donations and amounts being noted.

Sandpit Holy Hour There will be no Holy Hour for the first two weeks in June as Fr. McMurphy has it on good authority that He is taking annual leave and won’t be listening. Prayers can be offered to lesser holy men but there is no guarantee that they will be heard or indeed acted upon.

Lobinstown Homeopathy Sisterhood will be selling their latest elixir at this year’s Drogheda Maritime Festival. The potion, which cures everything from dementia to hemmorhoidic dyslexia, has proven a popular tonic amongst girls who buy scented candles and crystals and lads who are trying to find themselves or get the ride. POA.

Newtown is holding a plebiscite over the proposed removal of the word town from the town land name. Given that a town failed to materialise in the area, residents feel it inappropriate and frankly misleading.

New is holding a plebiscite over the proposed removal of the word new from the town land name. Given that the area is not new at all, residents feel that it gives a false impression of the area.

Nun’s Walk has been renamed Nun’s Run by a group of militant atheists who have taken over the Residents’ Committee. Any nuns spotted in the street will be chased out by the godless wonders at pace. The no tolerance policy is a direct response to the systematic abuse suffered by fallen women in the many nun run laundries.

Beaulieu View Residents’ Association is to lobby councillors over the cutting down of Beaulieu Woods. Chairwoman Biddy McGee is worried that after the spate of town land renaming plebiscites, her beloved estate will be renamed should the woods be felled and therefore not be visible from Beaulieu View. The only other landmark of consequence visible from the estate is a sandwich making factory. Residents are concerned about house prices and social standing.

Newtownstallaban extends its congratulations to all those who made their First Holy Communions last week. Special praise goes out to all church-shy parents for baptising their little ones so they got into the best schools and didn’t have to worry about mingling with any Educate Together children in general. The parish can confirm that it is in negotiations with The Holy Spirit for a personal appearance at next year’s Confirmations.

Baltray Crime Watchers reported three traveller related incidents last month, two of which were on the television but could easily have happened nearby.

Donore’s Snedging Community reported their disappointment with the gender bias of Stage 7 of the 2015 An Post Rás which finished in Drogheda in May. Chief snedger Jools Ó Cléirigh told local radio that the vast majority of the community was put out by the cost of hiring a mini-bus for the occasion only to find that the race was predominantly male; a fact that scuppered a good day’s snedging. Ó Cléirigh called on An Post to compensate Donore’s snedging community for the cost of the mini bus and for psychological damages.

Clogherhead is to have its wifi signal blessed with Holy Water by Father Silvio.


 

April announcements

Pilgrimage to Ratoath

The annual holy pilgrimage to Ratoath will be on the Saturday after the first Saturday of next month. Due to the forecasted bad weather, those crawling are advised to leave before sunrise. There will be a four course fast on arrival (vegetarian, paleo diet, gluten intolerant catered for) followed by a good pray. Contact Fr. Silvio at the parochial house for further details on 041 98 6066 66.

Old lad standing at the corner get together

After the success of last year’s corner gathering at Mell, a meet has been scheduled to select competitors for the county heats in May. Archie Weldon will be bringing his portable corners again this year and has added a new rounded corner to his arsenal. Entrants must have shrunk at least a foot in height and look genuinely confused. Shirt and tie essential. No punks or go boys.

Some toast, Sacristan?

A musical based on the week long hunger strike by Dominican church sacristan and part-time hunger striker, Some toast, Sacristan? kicks off this weekend in the TLT. Part drama, part documentary but mostly pantomime, the musical is sure to be a hit. Russell Crowe stars as the sacristan with support from the Christian God and Drogheda Drama Club. Tickets €15, €12 with concession. No snacks.

Duleek IRA Nostalgia Night

Duleek hosts its bi-annual IRA nostalgia night this coming Wednesday in O’Niall’s Bar. Special guest Dessie ‘The Border Fox’ O’Hare will compère an evening of song, poetry and dance. The ever popular Gerry Adams sound-a-like competition returns as does music by popular trio Bobby and the Letter Bombs and the ever engaging Dirty Protest.

Republican elements of Tullyallen Erotic Art Collective will perform an erotic interpretation of the life of Ian Paisley with local Martin McGuinness look-a-like Petes McCann. All proceeds go to families of those imprisoned during ‘the struggle’. €20 on the door, does not include An Phoblacht which must be bought.

Traveller Tinder Launch

Local entrepreneur Kite McKeown launches his latest app aimed at the Irish traveller community and those who are traveller-curious. Traveller Tinder is aimed at young travellers and hipsters. More details at www.travellertinder.com/subscribe.

Clogherhead Ladies Mini Marathon

Clogherhead national school is looking for dwarf mammies, aunts, sisters or cousints to raise funds for a badly needed new roof by running a full marathon this May Bank Holiday weekend. The event is being filmed by TV3.

Slane and the Nazis

The Historical History Society of Drogheda will host a lecture on the links between Meath and Nazi Germany in the years after the Second World War. It will explore the long held local belief that Hitler escaped Berlin in May 1945 and opened a pub in Slane. The Eagle’s Nest Pub was popular amongst German tourists for years until the proprietor, Herr Dolph Spittler, passed away. Tickets free but must be reserved. Contact Joe up at Millmount for details.


February announcements

Tulleyallen Erotic Art Collective will this month showcase its proposal for the Boyne Walk by marking the route with a series of erotic embraces designed to celebrate the Boyne valley’s long association with fertility and renewal. The marking will be performed by 20 of their troupe and will sway from traditional heterosexual practices.

Castlebellingham to twin with Uzhhorod (Ukraine) The mid Louth village celebrates its twinning with the city of Uzhhorod in the Zakarpattia region of Ukraine this month. Relations between these unlikeliest of bedfellows began after all the Chernobyl children had grown up, leaving the local organizing committee of the Children of Chernobyl charity idle.

The largely female charity decided to focus attention on oppressed world weary Albanian gypsies leading to a split down gender lines; the men preferring to keep in contact with the Ukraine and focus attention on the plight of impressionable Ukrainian women fleeing from the Crimea arguing that the charity knew the region and had eyes on the ground and that it would be a shame to lose all the expertise built up since 1986.

Although not that close to the front line, many attractive young ladies from Uzhhorod have sought refuge in the safe haven of mid Louth in recent months. Mayor Ivan McArdle and his wife Elizaveta will host an evening celebrating the twinning in the castle by welcoming a new shipment of nubile twins to the area. The gala dinner is a male only affair. Tickets to the raffle can be arranged by tweeting Ivana @ivanawife.

A similar fate befell Anagassan Romanian Baby Charity after all the babies were adopted in the early 1990s.

1990s Night for Dunleer There will be an evening showcasing inventions, trends and cultural advancements from the 1990s in the Parish Hall in Dunleer on Thursday evening. The event is aimed at introducing the 1990s to the region. A similar event was held in 2005 and brought the area up to speed on all things 1980s. The decision to hold another human progress evening so soon is testament to how well Dunleer denizens adapted after living in 1958 for so long.

The move was so successful that Louth County Council is worried that unless the region is ‘moved on’, then it could become mired in the 80s. Concerns were raised after reports of mulleted couples with Bon Jovi T-shirts were beginning to slip through the minefield surrounding Dunleer unscathed. Togher has been assisting with the changeover, having recently completed its move to the 1990s just before Christmas.

Townley Hall Golf Club announces its move to within Townley Hall woods. The move comes after the decision was taken to sell the grounds to the government who see it as the perfect site to build a long needed prison for disabled criminals. It is hoped that the move will result in a huge spike in skill amongst members due to the difficulty of playing golf in a forest.

Termonfeckin History Society will hold a talk this coming Monday evening at 8pm in Termonfeckin Castle about the short lived Soviet that sprung up in solidarity with Russian comrades in the wake of the October Revolution of 1917, news of which reached the village after the Emergency ended. Locals will recall how the local Mac an Ruadhmanov family was removed from the Castle, shot and thrown down a local mine shaft at the back of An Grianan in the turbulent days following the revolution. Áine Stacey Nic an Ruadhmanov, who survived the massacre, will speak of her experience so she will.

Julianstown Tidy Towns Committee has thrown in the towel.

Baltray Border Patrol is giving written warning that any travellers attempting to set up camp in the area will be shot on sight and their tools thrown in the Boyne.

Drogheda River Rescue warns local politicians that it will not waste resources saving them if they get into difficulty when trying to get a photograph of themselves pointing at The Boyne Beastie. The Boyne Beastie is a water-based turtle that lives in the river.

Local Ambulance Services warns local politicians that it will not waste resources saving them if they get into difficulty when trying to get a photograph of themselves pointing to cows in fields. Cows are domesticated animals that live in fields and provide dairy and meat to humans.

Drogheda Photographers have been warned that photographs of local politicians pointing at objects other than potholes, fly-tipped rubbish or Protestants will not be accepted for publication.


 Donneycarney Set Dancing resumes this week in the parish hall on Tuesdays and Thursdays between 8 and 9pm. The new artistic director, Claude Pierre Tosspo’t, is eager to welcome new members and fuse the troupe into a new free style dancing slash traditional set dancing outfit that should breathe new life into the South Louth Set Dancing community. Watch this space.

 An Grianan Courses There will be a hape of new courses available for 2015. The ever popular Indoor Bee Keeping and Harp Playing for Amputees will continue as will The Pitfalls of Crimping and Hostage Negotiation for the Over 65s.

 The ICA hopes to embrace Termonfeckin’s burgeoning LGBT community with an introductory course in Cross Gender Lawn-mowing. Also making a first appearance this year will be Fire Blowing for the Bedridden and Deaf Stilt-Walking.

 Courses cost €275 for members and €300 for non-members. There is a 20% surcharge on all males taking the courses, however; players from Yellowbattered Husbands are exempt.

 Tulleyallen Erotic Art Club is hosting an exhibition in the parish hall on Friday from 8pm. The exhibition will be a live body paint performance examining the sexuality of Cú Chulainn. Admission €10. Nudity & twerking.

Collon Animal Sanctuary is appealing for help in locating the three surviving stray ostriches that escaped when gurriers left the gate to the pen open. In an unfortunate incident, one of the ostriches was recovered from Clogherhead where locals had buried its head in the sand to see what would happen. Arrests have been made.

 Monster Shaveathon A monster shaveathon in aid of the GK Cancer Centre will take place in the town centre this coming Sunday afternoon. MC on the day is DJ Dim who will be playing a mix of thrash metal and Ra tunes. Ball shaving begins at 3pm. Volunteers must be pubic.

 RIRA Training Camp There will be a weekend training camp for members of the Real IRA in Stamullen on the last weekend of the month. Workshops include Semtex Safety, Underground Weapons Storage and Money Laundering for Dummies. Guest speaker – a certain bearded gentleman. Admission £20, northern bank notes not accepted. Members only.

Rí Rá Camp Drogheda’s gaeilgeoir community are holding their annual weekend retreat in Stameen on the last weekend of the month. Lectures include The Sex Life of Peg and a workshop entitled – The Modh Coinniollach and Spoofers: How to Spot and Shun a Bluffer. Admission €20, honours Irish speakers only.

 Mosney Cake Sale Local refugees forgotten by the state and ignored by the community will be holding their annual cake sale in Mosney this Saturday afternoon. A host of delicious exotic cakes and buns will be on offer. Hopes are high that last years sum of €8.25 can be bested. All welcome.

 Pyramid Scheme Drogheda’s popular pyramid scheme company Isosceles is holding an information evening at the Barbican on Monday commencing at 7pm. Isosceles urges those interested to remember the three I’s – Invest Quickly, Invest Heavily & Invite Your Friends.

Drogheda Down Memory Lane would like to announce that Drogheda is just great and lovely and that we are a great people altogether. Due to the popularity of the online Facebook community, organizers have booked The Tommy Leddy Theatre from mid January until May. Members of the groups can come and show old photos of their uncles to other members. There is a nominal fee for tea and biscuits. Anyone caught bringing their own will be expelled from the group and their photographs burned in a barrel outside.

December Notices

Dominican Starvation Club Membership has reopened for the Dominican Starvation Club. There will be a special Hunger Mass at 5.15 on Thursday morning for new members. There will be no communion given. Membership is free and being a community effort, family membership is encouraged. Contact the sacristan.

 Duleek Pioneers Club Heads were shook and lips were tutted in disbelief as Duleek’s oldest tee-totaller, Bridie McElduff, 83, cracked on Tuesday last after the early mass. Bridie disappointed everyone by handing in her pins to the black priest and hailing a taxi to Sarsfield early house to sink some whiskey and contemplate the wisdom of her youthful decisions.

 Pearse Sarsfields GAA Lotto There will be no winner of this week’s lotto draw. The winning numbers will be 7, 23, 1 & 20 but in keeping with tradition, nobody will win the cash prize of €8,000. If by some cock up, a winning ticket emerges, the owner of the ticket will be pressured into giving the prize back. Tickets cost €3 and can be purchased at the club house or from Benny at the Tholsel.

 Laytown Doggers Open Night The organizers of Laytown Dogging Society are calling for some fresh flesh. An open night has been organized for Thursday coming near the entrance to the pitch and putt at the Seafield. All very welcome. Show starts 11pm. BYOB.

Holy Hour A Holy Hour with music, cakes and Christ will be held in the Lourdes Church on December 11th at 8:00pm.

 Goat Sacrifice Local Satanists will perform December’s goat sacrifice in Collon woods in the presence of the Headless Horseman at midnight on the 24th. New members welcome. No witches.

 Youth Coaches Needed Stameen Swingers are looking for two youth coaches for their under 8s boys team. Applicants must demonstrate a clear influence by Lobanovski and Sacchi. No jokers.

 Old Rathmullen Cat Hanging Society Graduation ceremonies for the Old Rathmullen Cat Hanging Society took place on Friday evening at the parochial centre. There was a special presentation for veteran cat hanger Iano Dillon who marked his 250th dispatching on his 21st birthday. It was a night to remember for Iano as he was presented with a cat-skin suit which he hopes to christen at his upcoming court appearance for forgery.

 Drogheda Male Castrato Choir On Saturday next, Drogheda’s esteemed Male Castrato Choir will perform a Johnny Logan medley in aid of Haamans Gaadens FC. They also welcome new member conductor Sharon, formerly Kevin, to the fold. It was a ballsy decision at the time but members were visibly excited when they spoke to our roving reporter about the musical direction Sharon is taking the group. Admission €25, Sharon’s apartment, The Mews.

 Michael Bell Memorial Tender is now open for the Michael Bell Memorial Statue to be erected beside the Hunger Striker Memorial on the Bridge of. Contact Drogheda Borough Council through the usual channels.

 Greenhills Meeting There will be a general meeting in Greenhills at the river on Wednesday. There is no agenda as yet. All welcome.

 LGBT A competition for the town’s nicest buns will be held by Mayor Callanan at his residence on Tuesday week. A list of the mayor’s favourite tastes can be acquired through the usual channels. The mayor’s judgement is final.