Elderly gigolo needed for east Meath nursing home circuit. Must be charming and gentle with a hint of derring do and have a repertoire of close to smutty stories. Clothes provided – cravat, hair wax and hip flask provided. €10.25 p/h. Orgasm bonus linked to weekly targets being hit and maintained.

Smartphone Procurement Officer wanted. Must have nimble hands and be physically fit. Lateral thinking prerequisite. Contact svetlana@iphones4poland for a trial run. Previous experience helpful but not essential. Transport provided. Work based around shopping malls and large crowds.

Unwanted exotic pets required for exciting new culinary venture. Top prices paid. Contact Xin Po at 083-896532145. Zebras not accepted.

Nacker urgently required for busy yard. Previous experience with violence and glue a distinct advantage. Full time, 60 hours per week. Benefits- meat, glue, staff discounts on horse mane & tail hair. Previous experience with donkeys, asses and mules not an advantage. Horses are the big league. No time wasters.

Heritage Vandal wanted to head team of County Council Urban Planners. Must be suitably short-sighted and stubborn. Performance related bonuses for continued neglect of old buildings.

Vigilante training course All bases covered from mob rousing to late night intimidation to how to research paedophile lists against housing lists. Practical classes included. €150 pp. Contact @hatchetdelaney for details.

Hunger Strikers Needed for Save Dominican Church campaign. Must be dedicated and willing to see things through. Love for the SF hungers strikers and advantage but not essential. Training will be provided. Contact the sacristan for instruction.

For Sale – 4 kg of crushed Parcetamol. Ideal for headaches or women with them pains. Bought in error from Scobie Joe in Rathmullen Paak. Buy nothing off him hear. Contact Lefty, 089 6545 6531.

For Sale – Grade I cooking pigeon. Bred locally off fat of land. Caught to demand. Ideal chicken substitute, excellent texture. Very clean. Big orders need more time. Call Xin Chiang Tsu, 087 9565 5647.

Collectors Item – Sphincter and two ankles belonging to Saint Oliver Plunkett. Would make a nice complementary piece to other bodily relics. Might be of interest to collector priests. Phone Ollie 087 8123 8796, €700 ono.

Lots of caapets for sale – Unexpected windfall. Everything must go! Persian and Tuurkish. Must be gone be Saturday. Negotiable. Prefer bulk buyer. Email Nifty Keirans

Amateur badger culler looking to move into the professional game. Lots of experience. Quick and painless dispatch. Keep your cows TB free. Tweet @badgerninja.

Lost – Prize winning racing pigeon Biggles. Should have returned from Nobber last week. Responds to gentle cooing from the left (his left, your right). Please call Eamonn on 085 5562 7301 or call in to the house (next to Xi Ling Garden takeaway). Reward offered.

Wanted – Security Guard to guard the portal to Hell under the Marsh House. Experience with demons required. Bouncers from the Windmill House welcomed.

Pearse Paak Adult Paaty Consultants – Bouncy porn dungeons, greenbatter gimp hire, sex gloves, latest gizmos from Japan. Specialist in fantasy, expert in pleasure. Call Colin, 087 8763 3837.

Unfairly judged man seeks partner in crime to exact revenge on society in the Ardee region. No time wasters. Phone 085 8880 9888.

Experienced flytipper seeks novice to begin apprenticeship. Night work. Must be flexible and willing to get hands dirty. Top rates paid. @drawdaflytippers.

Mell S&M couple seek like minded couples or man for evening of high art and spanking related banter. Call Jill & Tony on 98 37836281.

Johnny Logan Tribute Act wants lead singer for gigs in the northeast. Must have Patrick Swayzesque charisma and ability to manipulate audience. Real Johnny Logan need not apply again. Email WhyMe?

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