There were confused scenes under the Viaduct on Saturday afternoon as the Boyne Swim was won for the first time by race debutant Tesco Dunne, a shopping trolley.

It has been confirmed that the unpleasant odour coming from the Dublin Road area is not, as was previously thought, a burst sewage pipe. Rather, the smell is in fact the stench of white collar crime.

He’s barely been in the job 2 days and he’s already been nominated for the Nobel Prize after brokering a peace deal between Moneymore and Rathmullen. But that’s just an average day in the life of new Drawda Mayor, Pio Smith.

Security was called this evening to remove Peter ‘Fitzer’ Fitzpatrick from the Dáil gym just moments after Leo Varadkar was elected leader of Fine Gael. The former Louth manager was escorted from the premises clutching a barbell, which had become fused to his being.

Just after midnight in Baltray, Drawda Mayor Oliver Tully tweeted: “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” That was it. No more. Just that word “covfefe” left hanging there.

Census results released last week show that Drawda is still the biggest and best town in the country. Our population is a mighty 40,956 compared to a dazzlingly average 39,004 for that hole up the road. A staggering 1,952 people chose to live in Drawda rather than Dundalk, even babies. Nothing can change that. It’s a fact.

In a bid to get the right kind of tourists into the town, Drogheda Borough Council have announced that those wishing to go on the new 80 metre floating marina will be means tested. The proposed marina is to have berths for up to 12 pleasure boats. We spoke to a faceless civil servant about it over some pints at lunchtime.