Laurence’s Gate To Reopen For National Heritage Week

 St. Laurence’s Gate is to be reopened to traffic for National Heritage Week. The shock move comes just days after the Barbican structure was finally closed to traffic after a long and tedious social media campaign littered with infighting, egotism and one badly lit “greening” on St. Patrick’s Day. The move was greeted with much fanfare in contrarian and taxi driving circles but with resignation in other, normaler circles.


By lunchtime on Friday, the town had descended into a state of traffic chassis as the new measures were put into place, confusing drivers. At one point, things got so bad on Shop Street that people began abandoning their cars. One family was even seen walking through McDonald’s Drive Thru even though they could have just gone in and ordered normally.


One bonus of the traffic chaos was that it gave the impression that the town was busy – something that hasn’t happened since the local business community sold the town’s soul for the retail park shekel. However, not everyone was happy with the busyness.


Big Baz Appleby (motorist) took out his frustrations by constantly reverting to his horn.


“When I beep me hawn I expect people to move out of the way, or hurry up, or do what ever I can see is the obvious thing to do in me own head. Unfortunately the only means I have of imparting these wishes is to repeatedly beep me hawn until the car in front reads me mindt. It should wuurk in theory, I mean it’s obvious as hell to me but for some reason other drivers don’t seem to pay me any heed, so I just continue the beeping and eventually they understand.”


“A’m glad it’s being reopent,” said local contrarian and taxi driver Mike Hawk. “Heritage is all well and good but it should be restricted to bukes. It’s no use to me and me sitting in traffic cos’ I can’t go under the gate. There’s faa too many caas in the town too. That’s half the problem shaw.”


Local truck driver Butch Phillips is glad the gate is reopening. “I really miss coming up to the gate in a big truck and not knowing if I’ll fit under it. Sticking the pedal down and just going for it. Ah those were the days.”


By Saturday morning, the gate was being used as a parking lot, both by amblinsis and Meath and Dublin reg cars. At least the reopening will put a halt to this until the Council can put up parking meters and make some money out of the gate.


The Faa Side was briefed about the reopening by a spokesham from Drawda Borough Council’s Office of Cack-handed Infrastructure Planning What Has Plagued the Town Since Medieval Times.


“Each year we try to engage citizens with their local heritage,” explained the ham. “Last year we reopent Xtravision for the week and the previous year we got the Ra to open some of their hidden arms dumps to the public. We envisage that reopening Laurence’s Gate will be a great success. People miss driving under it, they should nevera closen ih.”