The town was buzzin’ last weekend. Buzzin’.That’s cos’ it was a bank holdee Faa Side, says you. Faa frumih. It’s cuzduhwuz a relic in town. Literally nothing gets Drawda excited as when a new relic comes to town. And they don’t much bigger than a speck of Muddur Teresa’s blood on a muslin cloth. Here’s the top 5 religious relic visits to the town, rated in terms of class, super power and revenue potential.
- Mother Teresa’s Blood
They said it couldn’t be done. It was McGregor v Mayweather, Neymar to PSG, Meath fans to learn humility. But believe it or not, a cloth that Muddur Teresa bled onta kemta Drawda. Deals were struck and the blood of the recently sainted nun, who was fast-tracked to sainthood despite saying she was long disconnected from God, was on display at the moribund Dominican church. While the Class I Relic is a massive box office draw, it is not known whether it has any particularly potent super powers.
- Ollie Plunkett’s Noggin et al
St. Peter’s Church is a veritable relic mecca for Catholics and those with a sense of the macabre. The church houses the alleged head of localish sainted renegade bishop Oliver Plunkett as well as some hip bones and a femur. Curiously, the church is not named after him but after Saint Peter, who never bothered visited the town. Plunkett would be turning in his grave if they ever buried him.
Nobody can tell for sure if the head is real. It was donated by nuns who said it was his. This Class I Relic is on permanent display and is used as a loss leader by the church, who rake in the cash from candle sales and selfie-stick rentals. The head is said to cure Dundalkism, Mellitis and warts.
- Splinter Of The True Cross
Given that this Class II Relic is part of the actual cross that Jesus died on for a while, it’s odd that it plays second fiddle to Meathman Plunkett’s head, who was a massive fan. Depending on how hard you pray, it can cure anything from poor hygiene to a bad Leaving. There’ll be a rake of mammies venerating it once the offers come out.
- Pope John Paul’s Nail Clippings
Despite snubbing the town in 1979 for a field in Monasterboice, Pope John Paul 2’s nail clippings were found in the back of the pope mobile and gathered up into a match box to be worshipped. Now beatified, a delegation from Drawda have visited Vatican HQ to petition that the lone Pole Pope be made saint of nail salons. Until made a saint, the nails have no official relic status or super powers. Class I Relic, recently upgraded from a III.
- Monobrow of St. Sham
The infamous monobrow of St. Sham was rescued from his face before the rogue saint was buried after dying. It is said that if the monobrow is petted or stroked that the infinite wisdom of the faithful will be imparted to the petee. It’s very much a case of Caveat Stroker however, as this is an unofficial relic and any miracles won’t be officially recognised. St. Sham is known for having the cure for the fear, however, priests have called St. Sham a charlatan and urged church goers to resist any temptation to stroke the monobrow.