Anatomy Of A Minor Inconvenience

Thursday

A warped asbestos pipe from the 1970s burst on Thursday. Some people were surprised that the pipe committed aqua hara-kiri given it seemed to have so much in common with the area (Donore). At first they didn’t think it was bad. But then they couldn’t fix it. And by the time you’re reading this, civilisation may have collapsed and you’ll find that you can’t even read now.

Friday

Rationing begins with the most important piece of water conservation known to man – If it’s brown flush it down, if it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s in Mell, just put it in the hole in the garden as normal and replenish the doc leaves.

Lourdes hostipal prioritised but reports of corridor trollies being washed denied by nuuuursis.

Anger as water turned off in the dead of night, denying locals the chance to put their logs in the log box before the log box was locked.

Saturday

The only flushes going are in Drawda’s casinos.

Council defends decision to water the Tidy Towns plants.

People still think Irish Water have a handle on this.

Sunday

No changes on the Dublin Road as residents there have milk piped directly into their bathrooms and only drink Perrier water. What’s all the fuss about?

Back in BotharBrugha scuffles break out in water queues as locals become impatient. Some people join the queue just ‘cos there is a queue.

As shops run out of water, locals begin to experiment – coke baths get the fake tan off, it’s like dropping a dirty 5c coin in a glass of Coke.

Shades of the famine as modern day soup kitchens are set up in Meath, tempting weak willed Louth turncoats to ‘take the soup’. As always, a crisis brings out the worst of people (names on application).

Monday

The Glen disappears after being bottled by thirsty Yellabattur residents.

Swimming pool staff overrun by thirsty hordes with empty coke bottles.

Drawda’s synchronised swimmers are undeterred by the lack of water in the pool. “You see Brazilians playing football with no boots on. This is just like that but differenter,” said one adum.

Tuesday

Families are tested to the limit as experts advise locals to generate their own water, always boiling it and putting in some clear food colouring to trick the brain.

A spokesdrip says Irish Water’s promise that pipe will be fixed by Thursday is golden.

Showers expected today so locals should be ready to wash al fresco. If it doesn’t rain, wait for the dew to fall and roll around the gaaden.

Wednesday

Those what chose to drink their way through the water crisis are really beginning to suffer now as dehydration begins to shrivel them up – many have been mistaken for escaped nursing home ‘residents’ taking advantage of the chaos and been sedated before being placed in permanent care.

The lack of water is popular with dieters, who now have an excuse not to consume anything at all.

As The Leader went to print, long lines of refugees were winding their way to Termonfeckin beach waiting for evacuation to Dundalk #SpiritOfDunkirkDundalk

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