We dialled up the Internet and downloaded all the tech news from the hinterlands of Drawda, put it on this page so you can read it with your eyes.
Two Cryptocurrencies Launched in South Louth
Unless you’re one of the uncontacted tribes of mid-Louth, you’ll have heard of Bitcoin. But forget about that because two rival cryptocurrencies have been launched around the town – Shamcoin and Bitdrog.
Shamcoin is the brainchild of the sporadically reclusive Shanktoshi Nakamoto, an eccentric Donore based polymath said to dabble in local politics. Nakamoto created the currency after having his head wrecked by greedy shops charging a minimum spend to use his debit caad. Shanktoshi’s goal is to make Drawda Ireland’s first cashless society by 2020. The currency is currently valued at foeteen cent a Shamcoin but this is expected to skyrockeh if adopted by Louth County Council. Currency hawks have suggested that this is a possibility, given that Shanktoshi was assisted with the algorithm by the County Council’s Chief Data Scientist, Jim.
Rival cryptocurrency Bitdrog was set up by Drawda Men’s Shed, who were tired of making things from wood that nobody buys. However, there have been suggestions that the Men’s Shed doesn’t fully understand the mechanics of cryptocurrencies. Leaked correspondence between the High Shed Dragon and the Mountjoy Prison reveals a request to use prisoners to work in a blockchain gang.
Data mine to open in Newtown
Wuurk has staa-id on a data mine in Newtown. The initiative has been morally backed by Drawda Borough Council. The financial muscle comes from a recently discovered South Louth Industrial Development Fund dating from 1960s but never touched. Doubts remain about the project however, as the money in the account is very old and it may be too late to change it to Euro. It may be a case of developers being paid in Bitdrog. Drawda Men’s Shed are confident that there’s loads of data in the earth, just ready to be extracted. “Data is the new oil so it is and ‘Am confident that there’s at least 150 billion barrels of data down there now so there is,” announced a man from the Men’s Shed as he turned the first sod of the data mine. “We’ll be the Saudi Arabia of day-ah.”
Origin of Dark Web traced to Millmount
A joint effort by Louth’s top IT bi-weekly, Compewtuurs, and its top archaeological journal, Digging and That, have announced incontrovertible proof of the origin of the Dark Web with all webcams now pointing at the mound under Millmount.
However, this discovery alone does not mean that we as a society will understand it. History shows us that what we don’t immediately understand, we attribute to magic (parking meters in Duleek, riding a bike with no hands in Clawerhead, for example) and invent psychologically soothing mechanisms our minds can cope with, like religions.
What will most likely happen is that a new God will be attributed to the discovery who will be ushered in to replace the moribund Christian one unless they pre-empt it by canonising a techno Saint. Most people suspect that the new God will be an internet cat playing the keyboard. The proof, which may be a hunch, will be published this Friday.
Transhumanism Drawda will hold its first local AGM this Thursday at 8pm. Transhumanism is the the belief that the human race can evolve beyond its current physical and mental limitations, especially by means of the science and technology developed in DIFE.
Items on the agenda include:
- How best to freeze your head.
- Downloading your brain onto an external haad drive.
- Uploading your consciousness from a CD-Rom.
- What will happen if they’ve no CD-Roms in the future? How will I upload myself?
- Pub Quiz team selection.
All are welcome.