A renowned local onanist has been ordered to wear the collar of shame for 6 months declared local District Court Judge Bran Flannen. Mr. Barry Fitzgism, 28, was charged with two offences – masturbation in the workplace and being a wanker in general.
The accused added weight to the second charge by defending himself. He pleaded that each charge was in effect both a symptom and a consequence of the other.
Fitzgism was caught on CCTV in the store room of Dunnes Stores Drapery locked in hand to gland combat on no fewer than 14 occasions before action was taken. The accused, who cut a gaunt and pale figure, denied the charges. The State called in a tattoo expert who correctly identified Fitzgism’s generic sleeve tattoo of nothing vaguely interesting whatsoever from the CCTV footage. “Yeap, that’s the same tattoo. If you slow the footage down to really slow you can see his own name on his forearm along with his name in other languages and other bullshit.”
The Court sat for three hours listening to a mountain of evidence against the accused. However, Judge Flannen had heard enough when the accused’s Facebuke profile was read out. “Hold on, hold on a second heor,” said the Judge. “It says heor that you’re the CEO and the Creative Director of a company you started as a sole trader. I don’t want to prejudice myself, but do you not realise that you sound like a wanker?”
Judge Flannen became visibly annoyed the more he read, eventually leaving the room…Zeitgeist Bottler, Rule Breaker, Qualification in being a Mad Bastard, Social Commentator, Accounting Ninja, Trend Setter…
“I can sympathise with you on the first charge,” Judge Brennan summed up. “We’ve all boxed the Jesuit or clicked the mouse at work. But you don’t do yourself any favours. Sometimes people need to be med an example of…I was just going to apply the Probation Act but after seeing your Facebuke page I am applying the Self Masturbation Act. You, Barry Fitzgism, are guilty of being some wanker altogether. I hereby sentence to you to wear the collar of shame for 6 months. You can appeal but I’ll tell you now son, you’ll lose.”