There were confused scenes under the Viaduct on Saturday afternoon as the Boyne Swim was won for the first time by race debutant Tesco Dunne, a shopping trolley.
Dunne powered home in a time of nineteen minutes tutty two seconds, leaving human swimmers trailing in its wake. A dripping speedo clad loser demanded that organizers check the rule buke to disqualify the trolley, but there was nothing there ruling out non-human participation.
Dunne accepted first prize (a bag of wet suits) and dedicated his victory to all the trolleys in the town. “We’ve been pushed around for too long, left abandoned beside taxi ranks, trun in rivers and used as barbecues by the poour. No more! This prize will force humans in Drawda to respect us. Tank yous.”
Revellers at the Maritime Festval knew something was afoot when the Sunshine Bar began to empty out and a crowd gathered along the quays. You see, there shouldn’t have been anyone approaching the finish line for another five minutes.
“Must be someone on the drugs,” said a voice. “Could be someone cheating by wearing a wetsuit,” said anuddur. “Do dee’ve red hayor? Could be your one frum Atlanta. She’s not banned from rivers I don’t tink,” thought everyone.
The sight of a trolley crossing the line doing the backstroke kem as no surprise to patrons of the Sunshine Bar – they’ve seen weirder things than that before midday of a Sahurdee. It was everyone else what panicked and ran.
Locals were keen to point out that it was only a matter of time before one of the Boyne trollies became sentient.
“It’s not that big a surprise really,” said town know-it-all Sham Beaky. “I mean, the conditions are pehfict. It’s a cosmic petri dish, that river. There’s just the righamount of wahur, industrial chemcals, radiation from Sellafieldt and human sewage in the Boyne. Once the temperature rises then life is bound to happen isn’t it? Where do you tink we kem frum sham?”
Wally Goggins from Pearse Paak urged calm. “We’ve all had a trolley that has a mind of its own but A’ll only accept that this isn’t a hoax when it passes the Tuite Test,” he said. The Tuite Test is the localised version of the Turing Test, which examines a machine’s ability to exhibit intelligent behaviour equivalent to, or indistinguishable from that of a human. The latest candidates to undertake the Tuite Test, a tiocfaidh of Shinnerbots from Duleek, failed the test.
The result has opened a veritable Pandora’s Box about the rights of the Boyne trolleys. A Facebuke group has already been formed. A veteran politician, formerly a DJ, has gotten two sets of placards printed, one in support of the trolleys – STOP PUSHING BOYNE TROLLEYS AROUND! and one against – OFF YOUR TROLLEY! TROLLEYS WILL TAKE OUR JOBS!
Whatever happens, we as a town must be prepared for Tesco Dunne and his trolley army passing the Tuite Test. The Faa Side for one welcomes our new trolley overlords.