It has been confirmed that the unpleasant odour coming from the Dublin Road area is not, as was previously thought, a burst sewage pipe. Rather, the smell is in fact the stench of white collar crime.
“The smell is very similar to that of human excrement seeping from an old asbestos pipe,” explained Environmental Protection Agency officer Dick Slattery. “It is quite common for denizens of affluent areas to confuse the smell with effluent. Given that their own shit doesn’t actually stink, it can be quite confusing.”
The Dublin Road has been home to the Drawda aristocracy for generations. The area however, experienced a period of degentrification in recent times, coinciding with the Celtic Tiger years. Numerous housing estates sprung up as the noveau riche trampled over the old ways. Traditional small town snobbery was diluted as a (crime) wave of Dubs moved in. They were followed by locals who thought au pairs were as classy as live-in nannies.
“Your bog standard white collar crimes professions are to blame,” explained Slattery. “Real estate agents*, landlords, pharmacists, solicitors, politicians, people born into money, the self-employed, priests, vets, doctors, accountants, bankers, anyone in the car insurance industry, dentists and dental assistants though personally I’d file their misdemeanours as blue collar but I’m a pedant when it comes to crime collar colours.”
The smell is expected to get worse before it gets better. The area has been advised to drink plenty of water to flush out its system, or just stop with the white collar crime already.
*Not sure why Real Estate Agents are on this list as the only qualification you need to be one is being a cunt. Though in fairness, they do study that from a young age.