Security was called this evening to remove Peter ‘Fitzer’ Fitzpatrick from the Dáil gym just moments after Leo Varadkar was elected leader of Fine Gael. The former Louth manager was escorted from the premises clutching a barbell, which had become fused to his being.
The reprisal came after the Dundalk TD openly came out in support of Varadkar rival Simon Coveney, a move widely attributed to the Housing Minister’s defeat.
“It’s it’s a disgrace so it is. Jus cos I backed Simon Covfefe. A’ll be taking this to a Dáil committee so I will, if I can find out where they are there now,” vowed Fitzpatrick.
“There are other gyms in the vicinity so there are so my constituents needn’t worry there now about me putting in the hours. There aren’t too many 50 something year olds Michael with a rock solid abs like mine so there’s not. There’s a reason why the people of Dundalk elected me and they won’t be happy. This is a slight on Dundalk. Gyms are where you secure deals to get jobs for Dundalk. They’re the new gun clubs so they are and they have been since I was elected in 2011.”
Gym instructors stood on exercise machines as a gesture of support as Fitzer was forcibly removed. Treadmills were stopped abruptly, regardless of the consequences. Similar scenes greeted exercisers across Dundalk as gym equipment was put at half mast as a mark of respect.
Staff also wept openly before forming a guard of honour to the steam room. A source confirmed that the fire brigade were called to administer hosed cold water onto the heater to force Deputy Fitzpatrick to release his grip on the barbell. No man can resist the pure heat of the steam room, even a man as fit as Fitzer.
Louth County Board have successfully petitioned to have the Louth flag raised at half mast for this Sunday’s Leinster Senior Football Championship game against Meath as a mark of respect and a motivating tool for Colin Kelly’s charges Lúmen.
Dundalk’s finest came out in support of loser Simon Covfefe.
TD for Dundalk and fuck all else Peter ‘Fitzer’ Fitzpatrick was officially bulling foll his Dail gym privileges were removed after