Census results released last week show that Drawda is still the biggest and best town in the country. Our population is a mighty 40,956 compared to a dazzlingly average 39,004 for that hole up the road. A staggering 1,952 people chose to live in Drawda rather than Dundalk, even babies. Nothing can change that. It’s a fact.
And the gap will continue to grow. Drawda’s population is mushrooming at twice the rate of her smaller cousint. At 3.1%, Dundalk’s growth rate is evidence of a moribund town. An interesting thing happens when you type ‘Dundalk growth rate’ into the Internet – a short video of a man in a dankly lit pub trying to pot a snooker ball with a rope plays on a loop.
This is in stark contrast to Drawda, where the growth rate is double that of her Wee neighbour (a nubile 6.2%). Should trends continue at the same rate, Drogheda’s growth rate will rise to 99.2% in 20 years.
And just as counting the cranes on the skyline is a good gauge of economic growth, counting the prams on West Street on Mickey Money Day is an accurate indickator of the virility of the Drawda male.
Indeed, a simple request to see the Council’s Give Us A Flah For Free Cos A’m As Fertile As The Niall I Rid After or During Fire I Forgeh When list for the town’s single mums bears this out. It takes eight full minutes to print out on a laser printer – which is coincidentally, exactly 16 times longer than it takes the average local male to achieve liquid glory.
However, the growth rate isn’t merely a reflection on the rutting habits of the locals. Dundalk’s ageing population of retired terrorists is dying off too. What the town needs is a gang of virile young Fitzers to sow their wild oats, hey! And god help us all if that happens. God help us all, Michael.
Drawda, number one. Dundalk, not even number two.