Sauron, Chief Lieutenant of the first Dark Lord, Morgoth, and erstwhile tormentor of Middle Earth has been co-opted onto Drawda Borough Council to replace Cllr. Alan Cassidy, who resigned last week.
The veteran necromancer’s unexpected comeback caused a viral tidal wave last week. It was thought that after the one true ring was cast into the fire at Mount Doom, Sauron had been destroyed.
However, it is apparent that the Dark Lord had merely retreated to the borderlands of Meath to hide and gnaw at the shadows until he built up enough power to give physical manisfestation to his diabolical spirit.
For aeons he lay undisturbed, hidden ‘neath the fields of the Royal County, corrupting the locals and willing them to cheat in Leinster Finals, egging them on even. Sauron’s emergence from Tullyallen last week as a co-opted candidate for the local council is straight from the necromancer playbuke.
Sauron added the forename David after talks with Sinn Féin spinbots who felt it would humanise him and deflect attention away from his violent past as head of Mordor’s Army Council. He is currently being investigated by the International Criminal Court for importing arms from Westeros. He denies the charges.
The Dark Lord has found the perfect vehicle for his nefarious ambitions by joining Sinn Féin, a movement whose dark, violent past chimes perfectly with his own.
Sinn Fein’s decision to act as a springboard for Cllr. Sauron’s worldly ambitions has caused some consternation in the hallowed rooms of Barlow House, and no end of fear.
Speaking on local radio, Cllr. Kevin Callan cut a worried figure. “Honestly, we thought we were done with Sauron. We’ve all seen the movie (and some of us have gone so far as to have read the bukes). We’ll just have to wait and see just how powerful he has become…we may have to re-open the Holy Door in St. Peter’s and ax one of the wizards for help.”
Sauron’s co-option was welcomed at Army HQ. “Aye, he’s one of our own alright. He’s got the makings of a good republican.” said Sinn Féin’s own Dark Lord Gerry Adams, who recognises a kindred spirit when he sees one.
However, local residents needn’t worry too much – once Sauron realises that Drawda Borough Council wields no power whatsoever, he’ll set his sights on Dundalk.