Marina Visitors Will Be Means Tested Say Borough Council

The new marina will transform the Boyne.

In a bid to get the right kind of tourists into the town, Drogheda Borough Council have announced that those wishing to go on the new 80 metre floating marina will be means tested. The proposed marina is to have berths for up to 12 pleasure boats. We spoke to a faceless civil servant about it over some pints at lunchtime.

Your plan to means test visitors to the marina is controversial. Some keyboard warriors are saying it’s ‘elitist’.

Lookit, we’re trying to attract the right kind of tourist to the town. And you can’t do that if there are people in tracksuits hanging about on it. Look what happened to the Liffey boardwalk in Dublin – full of junkies.

That’s understandable. What kind of crowd do you hope to attract?

We’re looking for people who can afford to keep yachts and small pleasure cruisers. People with class. People who see boats as a place of pleasure, not of work.

So you’re looking to rebrand Drawda as the new Malahide?

More than that, we’ve got 12 berths so we’d be hoping to attract the Roman Abramoviches of the world and American rappers who make fideos on yachts with tanned women in bikinis (real ones, no spray tans) and buckets of iced cans. The Boyne Riviera.

What about stags? Could Drawda be the new Carrick-on-Shannon?

We’d tolerate English stag dos because they’d bring money into Drawda and a bit of strange would be great for the women of the town. Foreigners would be exempt from means testing, though we would retain it for Northerners as they are just trouble. We have to protect ourselves.

What kind of boats are not suitable for the marina?

We don’t want any trawlers pitching up for example, it sends out the wrong message. You’d have people from Clogherhead coming into the town and no one wants that. Rowing boats would be banned too, unless the rower is employed in a permanent and pensionable capacity by the passenger. Needless to say the crew stay in the boat at all times.

Will there be a dress code?

Obviously boat people have a certain panache about them but we’ll put something up on the website. You should be fine once you own a blazer but you’d get away with a branded polo shirt and salmon sweater draped over your shoulder, some chinos and a selection of cravats.

Do you expect trouble form any riff raff when they are refused entry to the marina?

Probably, but we’ll have ample security on the ground and our IT team can do thorough credit checks on all applicants to weed out the lower classes, you know, those who didn’t pay the water charges and dodge paying for their TV licence. We’ve also developed smart mines that attach themselves to any non-pleasure vessels which come within 500m of the marina.

They may have a point though. This is being funded by public money is it not?

(Cocks head back, exhales Cuban cigar, drains pint of Pimms and laughs) It is yes. But you have to pay tax in order to complain. That’s what we’ll say to them. And those who do pay tax and are refused, well, it’ll act as an incentive to better themselves won’t it?

Thank you for your time.

Tally-ho old boy.