You won’t be ebble to tink straight this week. Why? The Drogheda Arts Festival is on, again. It’ll be aaats this and aaats that. You won’t understand most of it, who does? Just say it’s great for the town and they’ll leave you alone. But there is an alternative – The fawty furth Drawda Daats Festval.
Established in 1973 in case the Dublin Road crowd ever got funding for their theatrical notions, the Drawda Daats Festval was for many years the biggest social event of the calendar. You were no one if you didn’t know a bit about the daats. An outcast.
However, in the late 1980s signs of a societal shift away from daats as the main form of entertainment were evident. Furst they changed caa registration plates from a perfectly self-explanatory alphabetical and numerical system, e.g. 313 ZY, to a convoluted system of the last two digits of the year the caa was sold, the furst and last letter of the county it was sold in (with exceptions) and a sequence number. And they got away with it! Soon after, the Berlin Wall fell, unleashing eastern European fashions which are still poplur today nawth of Dunleeor.
Then the internet kem along. A real Brookvillain seen some Brazilians shakin’ it large while browsing a nascent internet. The clip took four months to download, but people were more patient then, unlike nowadays when you have the aaats crowd baying for the instant gratification of watching a ‘performance aatist’ scream some post-masculine flash poetry in a disused quarry wundrin weddor the fly-tipped bags of used nappies they’re trying not to stand on are a metaphor for a deeper societal malaise or were just dumped there by anti-bin charges activists. The Samba Festival was born.
Spying these parades from their ivory towers, the aaats crowd realised something. If them plebs can get funding for that nonsense, imagine what we could do with owur degrees in poetry, basket weaving through the medium of ballet and the lads what charge you money to adopt a word as gaeilge while surrounded by shower curtains arranged in a spiral like the La Tène aaat in Newgrange? The Aaats Festival was born.
So this week, spare a thought for Drawda’s longest running festival, the festival of de people, by de people and faw de people – The Drawda Daats Festival.
Darts players can only count to 20. They don’t understand the concept of treble 20, just that it’s hard to hit and means ‘loads’.
Daats women rate their paatners’ performance in terms of daats scores. A bulls-eye is what you’d expect it to be but most women prefer a double or treble twenty. Men dumbselves nearly always achieve a bull’s-eye but rarely score doubles, never mind trebles.
Aaachery is considered daats for snobs, sharing a similar relationship to golf and pitch and putt. Aaachers and daaters don’t allow their kids to socialise with each other.
Dundalk daatboards only go up to 11, the highest number ever counted in the town. The bulls-eye is also an actual bull’s eye. Savages.
Daats is only allowed be played in Meath if all daats are corked for safety.
GET THE FAA SIDE GUIDE TO THE DRAWDA DAATS FESTIVAL IN JO JO’S ON WEST ST – THE BEST €2 YOU’LL SPEND ALL WEEK.