Oliver Plunkett Selected For World’s First Head Transplant

The head of Oliver Plunkett has been selected by Christian scientists to be the world’s first head transplant. The news was announced this morning at an ecumenical press conference (mass) in St. Peter’s Church in Drogheda.

The news comes as a blow to the Drawda tourist industry as well as to believers, who regularly congregate around it to chant prayers and ask it for miracles.

Father Ignatius Musk delivered the news to a shocked flock at the early mass. “I am delighted yet saddened to announce that our St. Oliver here has been selected to undergo the world’s first head transplant. The operation will take place next month by some of the churches top surgeons and prayers. We wish him well.”

The severed head of the local saint has been kept on display in refrigerated conditions since Plunket was hung, drawn and quartered in Tyburn in 1681. However, stories have emerged since the beginning of the year that the head had been reanimated by prayer.

“It’s quite obvious he’s trying to communicate with us,” said Sister Concepta Tank. “He’s well known for winking at us nuns. Until recently we thought he was just being flirtatious, the dirty beggar. But we saw a filim when a man was paralysed but was communicating by blinking. That’s when we told Jesus, who then forwarded the message to God, who then conveyed the message to Fr. Musk who contacted the Vatican.”

The transplant is set to go ahead next month in America. No details were given as regards the saint’s new body, only that it was a healthy non-paedophilic ungay male virgin with no sexual peccadillos or confused gender issues and strong views on what rights women have over their own bodies.

Once the medical procedure is complete, Plunkett will undergo 18 months of physiotherapy to ensure his head accepts his new body. It is hoped he will be granted an audience with the Pope when he visits Ireland next year to stop any abortion referendum.

In the mean time, St. Peter’s Church has put a tender out for a new relic to replace the head.


 

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