St. Joseph’s CBS To Rebrand As Ireland’s First MMA School

St. Joseph’s CBS, Drawda’s oldest secondary school for boys, is to rebrand itself as the country’s first MMA school. The move comes as a natural progression with suspension rates 2.7 times the national average and the Minister of Education writing to the school to ask what the fuck is going on like.

The school’s reputation as an academic dojo has fallen in recent years. There was a time when it was illegal to finish the Leaving Cert there and not enrol in a course in Dundalk IT, or Dickit as it’s now known. And with the school’s reputation now lower than the groves on the path its students have worn in while dragging their knuckles up the Newfoundwell Road, many within the school felt a new approach was needed.

Principal David ‘Mad Dog’ Madden said that the vast majority of suspensions were related to violent behaviour. “We always have the interests of the students at heart,” said Madden. “We have a duty of care to them. We want them to be the best they can be. And if that means training them to lump the heads off each other, grow Charles Stewart Parnell type beards and erotically wrestle each other ‘into submission’ while wearing speedos, then so be it. The world is changing. We have to change with it.”

The introduction of MMA as the core subject in the school has caused some parents to consider moving their children to a safer and more academic environment. However, it is believed that the other subjects on the curriculum will be continued, if through the medium of MMA.

One teacher met with The Faa Side on the condition of anonymity – out of fear of student reprisals.

“It used to be just smart alec comments from the usual ‘empty vessels’, the pencil chewers, you know, the lads with shit for brains.

“But in the past few years they’ve gotten violent, you know? They’re all downing them energy shakes and you can see their abs getting leaner and their brains getting smaller. When some of them run down the corridors you can actually hear their heads rattle but you can’t say anything because they’ll either sue you, beat you up or bully you.

“You could say the school has reached peak dickhead. It’s a cyclical thing. In the 1990s the Marys boys were all wankers (still are), then in the 2000s the Ollies was full of knobs. It’s our turn now. At least by teaching them how to beat the shit out of each other they might make a living fighting in car parks. But it’s a sad state of affairs when the ones pushing trolleys around Tesco car park will be nicknamed ‘Professor’ – and not in an ironic way either.”

The move is being welcomed by the Christian Brothers, who were themselves keen administrators of brutal and erotic student violence.

Enrolments for St. Joseph’s MMA are being taken at next Wednesday night’s open fight night from 7.30pm.