Mell Traffic Jam To Last 13 Weeks And Be Visible From Space Says Council

BEIJING, CHINA - OCTOBER 06: (CHINA OUT) (EDITORS NOTE: Image captured with a fisheye lens) Aerial view of cars queuing up to pass a checkpoint set recently in the direction of Beijing on the Beijing-Hong Kong-Macau Expressway at the end of National Day Holiday on October 6, 2015 in Beijing, China. A travel peak appeared at the end of 7-day China's National Day Holiday. (Photo by ChinaFotoPress/ChinaFotoPress via Getty Images)

Motorists were left road raging yesterday as Drogheda Borough Council announced plans to break the world traffic jam record.

The crucially essential road works on Trinity Street, which are causing the jam, are expected to last 13 weeks.* They were timed to coincide with the clocks going forward so the traffic jam will be visible from space for longer now that the grand stretch in the evening is upon us. It is not known whether anyone has ever bothered looking at Drawda from space.

A spokesham from the Council said they were pleased with how the first day panned out.

“It was taking traffic at least 45 minutes to get from the Bus Depot to Dominic’s chipper on Trinity Street, a distance of 700 metres so we’re ahead of schedule. Our plan is to elongate the traffic jam, hopefully back up to Dublin and possibly Northern Ireland, which would add an international dimension to it.

“Obviously we thought about doing the road works at night like in other countries but decided it’d be too dark or expensive.”

However, cynics immediately pointed to St. Laurence’s Gate as the real culprit. “It’s obvious as hell,” said Mr. Tim Foyle “The Council announced today that they’ll vote to close the gate but not before a proper traffic management plan is in place.

“They don’t want to close the gate ‘cos the big businesses down the town will pull out. So what do they do? Create traffic chaos. You just wait. Soon there’ll be leaks saying that this is what the town’ll be like every day if we close the gate. It’s obvious.”

Town watchers are expecting delays this evening. Motorists have been warned that there is a fine for abandoning your vehicle and commuter coaches have been supplied with happy gas to stop passengers from killing each other.

*Inside sources say that this could be pushed out to foeteen weeks.