There was great excitement this morning outside the Earth nightclub as the first discarded knickers of spring were discovered by birdwatchers.
Discovery of the leopard print knickers, which don’t appear to have been initialled or name tagged by their owner, heralds the official start of the local breeding season.
Signs that spring was approaching were plenty. Monday saw the first poisoned corncrake of the season in Co. Meath while only yesterday Drawda Credit Union reported a spike in loan applications to get sunbed treatment – a sure sign of spring.
“We’ve been expecting this,” said Denzel Coyle of Drawda Birdwatchers. “We thought we’d find some skimpies or transgender cax discarded over the Paddy’s Day Weekend. But nothing, not a sausage.”
A lot of birds migrate south for the winter, hitting the ‘big smoke’ for nights out over the Christmas and Valentine’s holidays in breeding hotspots such as the (in)famous Copper Face Jacks. The less fit birds stop off in the nightclub in Balbriggan, where they can find flocks of pigeon chested males only too willing to breed with them. The fitter birds will attempt to make it to Dublin city centre where they’ll display their wares in Coppers.
The bird migration can cause tension for young males in the town who are left to scour the less salubrious nightclubs of the town for the ride or settle for Dundalk birds who don’t have the stamina to make it to Dublin. Increasingly though, young Drawda males are starting to adapt to the shortage of females by using each other’s taut and tattooed and bodies as a conduit for physical release though they’d never tell anyone that.
Occasionally though, groups of males will follow the flock south hoping to talk to a bird that has been separated from the pack or is homesick. However, these fruitless forays inevitably end in humiliation and defeat by harsh ‘No Tracksuit Bottoms Allowed’ dress codes and savvier Dubs who know exactly what type of jabber is needed to chaam the Drawda female.
Local hormone Daithi Horne was buoyed by this morning’s news and is hopeful for the future. “Tank god wha?! I tawt deed nevor geh heor. And comeeor, clymih change is affectin de town, no doubtin about ih. More Dubs is movin heor so dee aah so maybe in de fewchore de burds won’t need tih emma gray so faa sowth and we’ll have moore of a chance wit dum.”
As usual, Drogheda Borough Council has employed a team of seasonal sweepers to keep the town knicker free during the mating season.