Locusts in Monasterboice, Humiliation in Duleek…It’s Village News

Not too much out of the ordinary happening in the villages around Drawda.

Annual Plague of Locusts Expected in Monasterboice

The annual locust plague is expected to arrive in Monasterboice this afternoon. Locals are divided as to whether the event is good for the area or not. Anti-locust activist Billy ‘Cock’ Roche blemt the Council for the plague.

“They (the locusts) were originally meant to go to Dundalk so they were. But some genius on the Council was only half listening at a Council meeting and thought Dundalk were getting something at a ‘low cost’ and made a song and dance about Dundalk getting everything. Of course Dundalk were happy to give us the locusts and the councillor went straight on social media celebrating like his scratch card was pulled out of the Winning Streak drum.”

Pro-Locust campaigner and CEO of Drawda’s latest festival ‘Locus Fest’ Sue Cows said “If you’re not a cereal farmer, it’s great for the area.”


 

Sandpit’s sandpit Runs Dry

Just like the Lannister gold mines of Casterly Rock, the source of Sandpit’s legendary power has run dry. News that Sandpit’s sandpit had run out of sand caused widespread panic, with residents fearful of the degentrificational effects of riff raff moving in to hastily constructed council house estates brought on by a collapse in land value. Compounding these fears is news that the ‘Sand’ must be removed from the townland name leaving many locals horrified by the prospect of living in a place called ‘Pit’, further attracting the working classes. However, moves are afoot to rename the townland as close as possible to its original name after moves to just refill the pit with beach sand were declared illegal in the Supreme Court.

Local woman Trisha McLoopy has a novel solution that might just work.

“With advances in technology, people with rubber or wooden prosthetic hands won’t need them anymore as they’ll have robot hands like Terminators. I propose collecting these hands and filling the pit up with them. Rebranding. And Handpit almost sounds the same as Sandpit.”

Another local woman, Madge Yoke, has slammed the proposal, saying her idea of filling the pit with arms was better but was told in no uncertain terms that her idea stank. Either way, it is hoped that the move will stabilize land prices and quell fears of a council estate invasion.


Baltray Calls For New Shipwreck

A petition to replace the now disintegrated wreck of the Irish Trader at Baltray has reached 100 signatures and will be presented to Drogheda Borough Council on Monday evening. Calls for a new ship to be wrecked have been growing steadily since the Trader began to succumb to the elements. Mr. Nepotism Fitzgolfer from Baltray Tourism is appealing for funds to be released from the Ireland’s Ancient East slush fund.

“Places in Cork are getting cash from it, it’s a joke. They’re in the south, they’ve nothing got to do with the east. It wouldn’t surprise me if the same crowd that pedestrianized West Street with a road are in charge of it.” Should no action be taken, it is feared that Baltray may resort to piracy.


Collon ISIS to host table quiz

The Collon branch of the Islamic Terrorist Troupe ISIS will hold a fund-raising table quiz on Thursday evening at the Parish Hall. “Normally we don’t countenance infidels,” explained branch secretary Mohammad El Homadimijad. “But Fr. Derek kindly let us have use of the Parish Hall at a reduced rate.” The event promises to be a fun family event. Brother Abdul will provide weapons training for the children while the adults get quizzed on the correct interpretation of the Koran. €40 per table of four. All funds go to the establishment of an Islamic Caliphate in Collon.


 

Duleek Class Reunion a Failure

There was widespread humiliation at Duleek’s Class of 97 reunion after it emerged that nobody had made a success of their lives. The 20 year reunion brought together classmates who regularly see each other queuing at the Po Stoffice in the ‘too small to be a town, too big to be a village’ urban conglomeration. Though a 25 year reunion has not been pencilled in a WhatsApp group has been set up to alert alumni should the situation merit it.


 

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