Alternative Valentine’s Day Poems

I brought you to Paris

But you wanted to take things slower

So this Valentine’s

We’re going down the Genoa


It was your friend I was after

She’s much better looking

But when it kem to the crunch

I much prefer your cooking


Lets tie the knot baby

There’s no need to dread it

Makes sense for the mortgage

And the excellent tax credits


Roses are red

Violets are blue

Just like the movies

I’d like to make with you


Roses are red

Violets are blue

This affair’s going great

Husband ain’t got a clue


Your bruises were purple

But they’ll soon be yellow

Just give us another chance Tom

I swear to God I’ll mellow


I’ll admit I was wrong

I deserved that restraining order

But you seen it yourself love

I was cleared of those murders


I don’t care that your kids

Are by six different fellas

What’d do you say

To a Chinese and a gargle of Stellas?


It started so innocent

An office flirtation

How did it end up

In a High Court litigation?


No flings you said on Tinder

That’s what they all say

But sure why’d you be on that

Only for a roll in the hay?


I was your Holy Father

You were my housekeeper

That all changed on the train

When we booked the twin sleeper


We met down at the Thonsel

Knocking back some cans

I’d like to see you again sometime

I’m the German lad, Hans


I love your gelled fringe

And your hatred of reading

And if any bloke even looks at me

He’ll soon be bleedin’ bleeding


I know you can’t read this

Because you’re a cat

But I really really fancy you

So don’t worry about that


You’re a Bettystown fella

From the wrong side of the border

But things might just work out

If you move away from Mordor


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