5 Times Animals Caused Havoc In Drawda

After reports of a ‘loose goat’ at Beechgrove Terrace this morning, we looked back through the annals to find five other times when animals caused havoc in Drawda.

1. The Cattle Market Mutiny

The late 1990s saw scenes reminiscent of Animal Farm at the old Drawda Cattle Maaket. A herd of cows, calling themselves The Bovine Brotherhood, mootinied after farmers began taunting them by throwing bundies at them ‘for a laugh’. A tense standoff lasted for seventy two hours after some thick farmer’s son, who was sent off to get cattle prods, came back two days later with the only four Protestant cattle farmers in the area. The mayor called in the army who machine gunned the cows. The cows had overpowered one of the soldiers but were unable to return fire due to hoof/trigger issues. The incident ultimately led to the demolition of the cattle maaket. All official records, including the cows’ manifesto and list of demands have been sealed until 2095.

2. The Mell Unicorn

The Mell Unicorn is to Mell what Fungi the dolphin is to Kerry. Tourists flock to Mell in the hope of catching a glimpse. Little is known about the unicorn and there are different schools of thought regarding its origins. Some say it was Oisin’s horse when he went to Tír Na nÓg that time while sceptics claim that it’s just one of them quarry horses that were javelined through the head on the Cement Road. The unicorn is a shy beast and only comes out at night though it has been spotted in the car park where the young people go for a schmoke. Patrons of Foley’s pub regularly spot the unicorn at closing time.

3. Old Harty’s Cows

Old Harty’s used to drive his cattle up the Ballymakenny Road and caused all sorts of traffic jams. People hated getting stuck behind his cows and would curse the man for being an inconsiderate bastard. Old Harty passed away a few years ago. Everyone now remembers him and his cows with fondness now they don’t get stuck behind his cows.

4. The Rathmullen Chupacabra

This elusive creature sucks the blood from goats, cattle and has been known to give a deep hickey. It looks a lot like Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. Experts say it based itself in Rathmullen due to ease of camouflage – throw a grey hoodie on it and there is little physical difference between it and your modern day junkie. The Chupacabra seems popular enough in the area and nobody we spoke to would rat it out. That said, we could have been talking to it the whole time and been none the wiser. LMFM issue regular Chupacabra warnings during the weather.

5. The Meathman

This feral beast is a seasonal menace and can be seen on the town during the Championship. Approach with caution. This beast cannot be reasoned with in the way a whisperer calms a wild horse. This is because the Meathman’s ears rearrange the sounds your vocal chords make into the names of past All Ireland winning GAA players and Smokin’ Joe.

Honourable mention for Snap, a vicious black and white mongrel from up Newfoundwell way.