At a Brexit conference in Drawda last night ex-electrical salesman Peter Fitzpatrick, TD for just Dundalk, announced that he was being introduced into cross border Brexit talks by the Government. It is hoped Fitzpatrick’s presence will cause enough confusion to distract the British delegation from signing off on a hard border.

Government officials have been praised for utilising Deputy Fitzpatrick’s talents. Brexit negotiator Scaldy Finnegan spoke to the Faa Side about the plan.

“Speaking in GAA terms so he’ll understand better, we’ve explained to him that he’s like an impact sub or in gun club terms a confusion grenade thrown into a hape of pigeons. He nodded like he understood. We have full confidence in him. We’ve played this well. The Brits won’t know what to do.”

However Fitzoskeptics have warned that the ploy could backfire.

“Obviously, as chief Brexit negotiator, we hope Fitzer will bamboozle the Brits into agreeing with anything because like us, they simply won’t understand the man and will agree to anything just to make it stop.

“That’s the plan anyways. The only problem with it is that nobody knows what Fitzer will come out with. It’s not like flipping a coin when you know that if it lands heads the first time then the next time it has to be tails. We could emerge from the talks as part of South America just as easily as the UK could emerge from talks back in the EU. It’s a risk we’re willing to take.”

Fitzpatrick himself is said to be calm and confident he can do a job. His only request was that there be a gym made available to him with video conferencing capabilities.