Louth To Expand Into The Irish Sea

Louth County Council have announced plans to extend their territory eastwards into the Irish Sea. Should such a bold move go ahead it would mean that Louth would no longer be the smallest county in Ireland – that inferiority complex would fall to Carlow, who quite frankly, would welcome any attention.

By extending the Wee County to the limit of Ireland’s territorial waters (12 nautical miles or 22.2km), Louth would significantly increase her size and agricultural capacity.

But it hasn’t all been plain sailing. Dutch land reclamation experts have been called in as County Council engineers remain deadlocked as to how best to carry out the works.

Dundalk engineers say it would be easier to start building a big waterproof sea wall on the seabed 22.2km out. Once it reaches higher than the sea, hydraulic pumps would be used to drain the trapped radioactive H2O back into the Irish Sea. In the meantime Louth would use all her resources to dump material into the sea (an amnesty on fly-tipping, helicopters dropping rocks and school kids hoiking stones). The effect would be to simultaneously reduce the amount of water that needs draining while raising the seabed, thereby cutting down on costs.*

Drawda engineers argue that we’d be better off starting from the beaches working our way out by dumping in a load of rocks and earth into the sea until we reach 22.2km. Logistically it would make more sense though some Negative Neils worry that the plan could fall apart if the sea slopes down towards the deep end like it does in swimming pools as this would increase the amount of stuff needed leading to concerns that the whole project could go Celtic Tiger and end up like a lonely ghost polder.

Local Geography expert Bernard Meanders was quick to point out a welcome side-effect. “Once the land has be reclemt, the currents of the Irish Sea would cause deposits of sand to accumulate to the south of the County. These deposits would eventually join up with Meath’s narrow coastal strip rendering that county landlocked as the new land would legally be Louth territory.”

Residents of coastal areas need not be too alarmed. Once the land extension is complete, villages will be moved brick by brick to the new coast (the well-to-do bits anyway). It isn’t known how house prices will be affected – on the one hand Termonfeckin and Clogherhead residents have been promised a Louth version of Funtasia if they move. But on the other hand, they will be closer to Sellafield…

Linguists are fascinated to see what accents take over the new land. Will there be a spill over of Dundalk’s simpleton brogue or will the Drawda’s ‘only a mother could love it’ accent win out? Truth be told it doesn’t matter. Dubs will most likely come in and colonize the place anyway, pushing out the natives with their scowly accents, like tracksuited grey squirrels.

*Should there be an overrun, Louth County Council said it could always just draw from that deep pool of Drawda rates and parking charges that they use to pave Dundalk streets with gold leaf and wine and dine American investors.