Seven New Year’s Resolutions You Should Do in 2017


1. Start Running Ya Fat Fuck!


Christmas hasn’t been kind to your arse or those man tits so put on your yellow clothes and start running. For those who don’t need to do this one it can be an interesting hobby to watch the fatties pothole the pavement though you’ll need to be early – the fattest tend to go out before daybreak out of sheer mortification though you’ll always get some young ones what think they’re not fat even though they’re cupcaking all over the shop. Though at least they’re doing something, which is more than the chunky-thighed boys thinking they fit in to their skinny jeans who just stand there oblivious to the fact those pants are killing their gip. But that’s evolution at work.

The show-offs go out at peak commuter times to show off their tight arses.

2. Clear Those Christmas Debts By Gambling More

Little Jaxon’s Christmas iPhone didn’t come cheap. They keep going up every year. Soon it’ll be cheaper to buy one through a mobile phone provider rather than get Bus Éireann to Dublin and pay some junkies on Parnell Street to rob one. But don’t worry, you’ll be grand, there’s enough casinos in the town for you to make it back, and more!


3. Get Rid of Your Hipster Beard

Felt lonely in 2016? That’s because you mistook growing a big beard for having a personality. Try shaving your hipster fluff and cultivating a personality this year, snowflake. But you won’t cos’ that’s what they want you to do.


4. Buy Your Significant Other Flowers Every Week

After they stop thinking you’ve been banging their friend/sister/brother/mam/dad they’ll see it for what it is – a cheap attempt to get more rides from them. Depending on how well they did in the Leaving Cert this may well work. But it will cheapen your relationship cos’ you read about it in a magazine and not your own booze-addled mind.

5. Join The Campaign To Make Louth County Board Not Play Their Home Games in Navan

Of all the things you do this year, this will be the most rewarding. Who wants to go to Navan to see Louth lose when we can watch them do it perfectly competently in Fortress Drawda? The Faa Side will be joining in the streaking protest in the foeteent minute of Louth’s first home game in the O’Byrne Cup against Maynooth. If that doesn’t work, the streaking will have to be escalated.

6. Only Get Your Fags Down The Maaket

There’s an element of danger involved – those Customs Gardaí can be difficult to spot in their luminous yellow jackets and funny accents but it’s worth the risk. You can make significant savings and some of the Chinese lasses there have contacts if you ever need any organs harvested.

7. Try Something Different

Why don’t you and your significant other head over to the Stameen Swingers open night this weekend? You might even bump uglies with a neighbour or a teacher you fancied in school. If you’re already a member why not take in something more conservative, like some mass or reading the DI every week?