The latest DIFE report into local social behaviour has confirmed what people already knew – that those at either ends of the social spectrum are more likely to leave skidmarks or “crack the bowl.”
The study involved putting cameras in places where both ends of the social strata take poos, namely toilets but also anywhere with large clumps of doc leaves, presumably a working class attempt to scrimp on bogroll costs.
At a press conference this morning, Dr. Di O’Rea explained the findings.
“Lower social strata are six times more likely to “crack the bowl” than other groupings. This is because they pride themselves on having no airs and graces.
“In fact many working class will make an unholy mess of the bowl before friends come over. They do this to flush out friends they suspect of harbouring ‘notions’ and cleaning the bowl of skidmarks they didn’t even put there. They are then shamed and given aristocratic titles like M’Lord or Duchess in a form of working class humour that other people call bullying.”
The Dublin Road brigade are just as inclined to crack the bowl but for different reasons.
“The privileged just don’t give a shit,” explained O’Rea. “It’s an open secret that all the toilets in the town’s fancy bars and restaurants are sandblasted twice a week out of necessity – lobster wrapped in filet mignon can be very sticky.
“And all those giant deposits you see around the town and think ‘That’s too big to have come from a dog’…well, you’re probably right. You can tell who it came from by its splat angle – the rich tend to defecate standing up and just walk away from their mess as that is what money does to you. The result is a wider blast pattern. Their less well-off cousints tend to squat and draw attention to themselves, often ending up in court.
“There is a clear message here,” said O’Toole. “It’s better to be rich as it’s a load of shite being poor.”