Nobody wants to have to go into the Lourdes Hostipal these days – especially as there is a less than 50% chance you’ll make it out in better condition than you went in…
Ebola – August’s ebola outbreak in Newfield has now largely been contained.
Zika – The only Zika in the Lourdes is a newborn from Latvia.
Winter Vomiting Bug – This persistent bug is holding off until the Christmas shopping season though it also strikes in the wake of office Christmas parties. Thankfully it only lasts 24 hours.
Lady Flu Jabs – Menopausal and post-menopausal women are advised to get their annual flu vaccination before the first bout of Winter Flu. As yet there have been no reports of anything ‘going’ but it can only be a matter before reports come in of ‘something going’.
It’s not free (€25) but you can’t put a price on your health and who can afford more than an annual trip to the doctor’s these days?
Man Flu – There is still no breakthrough on a vaccination for this particularly debilitating strain of influenza. Any man who thinks he might have come into contact with the virus, or is even just suffering from a head cold, is advised to take to the bed and ward it off.
Partners of those affected should attend to their every need including changing hot water bottles – if it’s not hot it’s just a bottle and is harmful to the patient. Freshly made/toasted sandwiches and a constant and consistent stream of tea are vital components of the recovery, which can take the guts of a week.
A tip from our doctors to partners – keep the kettle close to the boil at all times as this will keep help with both the hot water bottle refills and the tea.
Old Man Flu –Like it’s younger version but more dithery. The patient sometimes actually forgets he has the virus. The only known cure is a strong dose of men’s shed.
Manbunitis – Symptoms include misplaced confidence, a sense of entitlement and the wearing of the male head hairs atop the head in the form of a bun. In most cases it is just a cry for help but can be a gateway disease to the insufferable and incurable Hipsterism.
Hipsteritis – Thankfully this incurable disease can’t yet take hold here as climatic conditions are not favourable for its survival – Drawda is not cool enough. Most sufferers gravitate to the hipster colonies in Dublin. There is great work being done in these hellholes by hard working doctors. However, like Fr. Damien in the Leper Colonies, it is only a matter of time before they too succumb.
Bettystown AIDS – No new cases to report, not since it became illegal to bring down the tone of the village.
Termonfeckin Rabies – Visitors are advised to be on their guard as the locals bite, in the bad part of the village anyways.