Killer Clown Stalking The Town

The only known picture of the clown was taken by the dash cam of a speeding northern reg car on the M1 last night.

An amber warning has been issued by Gardaí after a rake of creepy clown sightings in the town. The latest sighting of the clown (above) occurred late last night on the M1 sliproad near Donore.

Locals have been advised to stay indoors after dark and to not make any unnecessary trips, even to the pub. Clowns can sense weakness and prey on the inebriated and women, who scare ridiculously easily, annoying men who have to listen to them.

“I urge people to stay calm,” said a detective O’Toole from the newly formed Special Branch Clown Detection Unit. “Be vigilant but not to the point of vigilantism, leave that to us.”

The hunt for the clown began this morning at dawn, with various clown haunts being raided. However, so far the clown has evaded detection. Earlier, a press conference at the Garda station descended into farce.

“We have to realise that the clown probably only gets dressed up at night,” continued Detective O’Toole. “So that means he probably has a full time job and walks amongst us, laughing at us.”

“Did yis raid the Dáil? That place is full of clowns!” smart-aleced one local know-it-all, prompting another to pipe up with “Yeah, and the Council offices too! That place is like clown college so it is!” Both men sat back and admired the originality of their comments and wondered why they hadn’t yet been picked up by someone on the telly.

As panic and suspicion spread throughout the room as to the identity of the clown, mobs began to form and members of various fringe political parties dashed home to get their banners and claim ownership of the movement by marching at the front of the mob.

Gardaí have been present the town over all morning issuing pleas through loudspeakers for the clown to surrender. Extra Gardaí from Ardee have been patrol-carred in to help catch the creep.

Detective O’Toole finished up the press conference with the following warning.

“Any non-unionised clowns we see on the streets after dark will be arrested. These jokers will feel the full force of the law. This is no laughing matter.”