Faa Side astrologer Crystal O’Nonsense has never been wrong. We’re lucky to have her on board. Read your horoscopes before she gets run out of town by people who can’t handle the truth.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

Forces well beyond your comprehension have decreed that you’ll have another below average week.

Pisces: (Feb. 19–March 20)

Events of the past week in Nobber have vindicated all your talk of Meath wanting to turn us into human slaves. You won’t look so crazy now on West Street wearing your body-sized placard.

Aries: (March 21-April 19)

Those sacrifices you made to all the Gods pays off this week as Dundalk don’t make it into the Champions League. But which one to thank? Best give all of them some money, cover all bases.

Taurus: (April 20–May 20)

That voice that others hear when you’re reading to yourself is in fact your voice. Oh no! You’ve just realized that what you thought was your inner monologue has been your outer monologue for the past 24 years. You’re blushing now, aren’t you?

Gemini: (May 21–June 21)

This week is a bit like yourself, run-of-the-mill, well it will be after the incident with the matches, the vacant shops on Narrow West Street and the Garda pursuit.

Cancer: (June 22–July 22)

Nobody will believe you when you explain that an evil hypnotist from Dundalk made you scoff all the pastries. Which is frustrating because it is actually true.

Leo: (July 23–Aug. 22)

The stars have aligned and you’ll soon meet the woman you’ll spend the rest of your life with. But shortly afterwards they realign and too late you’ll meet the woman you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with.

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

Who would have thought that by the end of the week you’d be defending yourself in court?

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

Be honest with yourself. That recurring dream you have when you leave the house with no pants on isn’t a dream now, is it?

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

Everyone will be harping on about your great personality and kind soul even though it’s not true, but well, it is traditional at funerals.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

That new teacher from the country is wrong; foeteen is a number.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Same as last month Capricorn, except for those who may be affected by Friday’s gas explosion down the town.