Calls have been made to restructure the entry requirements for the town’s Glamorous Granny competitions after a 35 year-old granny scooped all four titles on offer over the Bank Holiday weekend.
Chantelle Reilly, nicknamed “Lady Nana”, left grannies twice her age spitting dentures as she romped home after contested new rule changes allowed her to enter in a bikini – a move said to have unfairly influenced judges.
On seeing her, one granny reportedly blessed herself into a coma. Friends and family are still trying to pray her out of it.
But why all the outrage?
“They’re just bitter old biddies,” said Golden Knitting Needle runner-up Britney Rogers, 28. “They have the bingo racket sewn up – you can’t win if you’re under 65 and as far as we can tell it’s not simply a case of knowing more numbers ‘cos you’re older like they say. We decided to act. And sure lookit, we’ve already gotten better prizes – face creams and perfume are wasted on wrinkled skin.”
The new generation infiltrated the local Glamorous Granny Organising Committee while members went for a post-Matlock snooze. They tore up the rulebook and replaced it with a new one. When the Committee awoke, they couldn’t remember whether the new rules were indeed the old rules. Had they really written a letter resigning from the Committee? Maybe they had. It was confusing.
The Post Office has reported an extra two sackfuls of letters addressed to Ireland’s Own, all of them marked VERY IMPORTANT with several sent by registered post.
In the past, Glamorous Granny competitions were exclusively judged by priests and a specialist nun brought in from outside the Parish. The priest would keep tallies of mass attendance while the nun would be bussed in from Cavan, where glamour originated.
The new rules saw a radical overhaul of the judging process. Out went ecumenical involvement, the ban on tramp stamps and the contentious ‘How long have you been a granny?’ question. A three-man panel of judges was introduced comprised solely of single men between 18 and 35 – many of them modern granddads themselves.
A generation ago grannies kept boiled sweets in their pockets for weeks and often confused their commodes with their ‘good’ chair. They kept a bottle of sherry in the cabinet for making trifles and exchanged purple rinse tips after mass.
When they were forced to sell their own homes to live in a nursing home they passed the time by accusing the nurses of stealing their things (good blankets, jewelry, the RTE Guide). The only thing they looked forward to were funerals and the August Bank Holiday Weekend when they would compete in the Annual Glamorous Granny Competition. And now that’s gone.
Ex-Committee member Bridie O’Shea, 82, could see it coming. “These young ‘slapper grannies’ have some cheek,” she fumed. “But that’s the way things are going. You get a free house and money these days just for being a young one – naturally the median granny age has fallen. In my day a granny only in her 50s was considered as being from bad stock…”
Bridie sent out a warning. “We’ve already set up a rival Glamorous Granny franchise. We’ve a new 55 year-old scorcher moved here from America. She’ll unite the belts or I’ll give up sucky sweets.”