Aside from reconfirming yet again that Drogheda is bigger than Dundalk, what other nuggets of information were contained in the preliminary results of the 2016 Census? We trawled through the haystack of statistics so you don’t have to.
- Drogheda has the highest ratio of flat screen TVs to books in the country.
- The local teenage pregnancy rate has fallen 15% to a paltry 52% in the past five years with three truant teenagers and a studious boy from a well-to-to family largely responsible.
- 3% of Harmony Heights residents dump their household waste in the public litter bin opposite the estate late at night when he thinks nobody is looking.
- There is an undeniable correlation between the increase in fly-tipping and early school leaving in the Dundalk area.
- Couples from the faa side of the town are 69% more susceptible to extra marital affairs though the cause of why this is the case is unknown.
- 4% of households in the east Meath region now have an indoor toilet, up 32% from the 2011 census. However out of habit, 93% of these residents continue to perform their ablutions outdoors.
- The national housing vacancy rate stands at 12.8%. 12.7% are owned by greedy Bettystown based vulture funds.
- Two in every three females between the ages of 18 and 25 emigrated from the Mezzogiorno of mid Louth to the bright (near city status) lights of Drogheda.
- As a result there are now more females than males in Drogheda.
The Drogheda environs have the highest percentage of racist junior infants outside of Dublin.
- However, local linguists fear that the famed Drawda accent could be diluted by anything up to 25% while cunning linguists are predicting a new hybrid accent by the time of the 2021 Census.
- Drogheda residents are 90% more likely to vote in politicians from rival towns who will do nothing for them than 100% of the rest of the population.
- 90% of voters will never understand this folly.
- 11% of males aged 7 to 70 have a tattoo of a hunger striker.
- There has been a 100% increase in the amount of biscuit factories in the town since 2011.
- 92% of the ungrey attend mass purely to secure a place in a local primary school for little Jayden and Amelia.
- 70% of these couldn’t differentiate a bible from a pie.
The divil’s influence on the town is still a steady 66.6%.
- The local vegan population has completely collapsed as Drawda’s vegans moved to a vegetable commune in Anagassan.
- A surprisingly high 64% of local and vocal anti-water protestors have paid their bills.
- Local barber banter increased by a third due to the (alleged) upturn in the economy.
- Trains on the Drogheda to Dublin line are 8% slower than in 2011, possibly due to a big bloodywell increase of leaves on the track.
- 7% of Baltray residents were born holding silver spoons
- 100% of Baltray residents are afraid that these spoons will be stolen by travellers over the course of their lives.
- 110% of Drawda residents agree that the death of the Samba Festival was a positive development.