Irish football fans, self-dubbed The Greatest Fans in the World™ returned home on Monday beaten but not downbeat after UEFA cruelly refused to allow any of their social media craicery to be converted into goals against France.
The fans were literally worn out by inventing new ways of craic peddling and showing what good sports they were to the French. There was the frightened old nun that had Our Father sung at her and then there was the baby who was kept awake on a train by the group of fans who thought that a whole carriage of people who’d been on the razzle all week singing a lullaby would be quiet and calming experience.
The competition between fans to outperform each other while performing acts of random kindness was an exhausting process. So exhausting in fact, that fans are unlikely to have any energy left to be nice people on their return.
“Lookit, it’s great to be nice and all but it’s like anything – you can’t be one thing all the time can you?” said local barback Alan Tulley. “You have to be cruel and unkind to people in order to appreciate being nice. It’s like the ying and the yang – you can’t have one without the other.”
Terry Sherry, a married dad, felt the same. “Drawda is the perfect training ground for the Euros. I know lads what kem over to the town to spend a few days being horrible to get their zen right for the trip.”
Perhaps the biggest loser of the recent upsurge in interest in football is our own home grown brand of hoof ball. A local survey carried out by The Faa Side confirmed that only about 4% of The Greatest Fans in the World™ were aware that there was a football team in Drogheda.
“We have a league here? And you’re telling me that they play the same game what we seen in France?” asked one fan. “Yeah, they do so they do,” said another. “A mate of mine goes to all the games. It’s basically the same sport, well, the same rules anyway but it looks different…so they say.”
However, The Greatest Fans in the World™ were not impressed after hearing that there was only a slim chance of meeting French women at the games.
“That’s the nail in the coffin for me. I mean, if the League of Ireland was in France and there was craic to be had I’d be there. But it’s not. I’ll stick to following Liverpool.”
The Greatest Fans in the World™ are looking forward to going to Russia for the World Cup, where any efforts at craic merchanting will likely be met with violence. A rude awakening awaits…