Cyborg Elected As Mayor of Drogheda

Baltray was the real winner last night as Cllr. Oliver Tully became the first cyborg (half-Baltray, half-man) to be elected to the position of mayor of Drogheda.

Cllr. Tully was voted for by everyone except Sinn Féin, who proposed co-opted Councillor Joanne Byrne, perhaps as a joke at the inevitability of the outcome.

Close aides to Tully say that he plans to transform the role of Mayor of Drogheda.

“Oliver is a great fan of the Russian model of politics, the strongman. While he hates Communists, lefties and the non-Baltray, he does see merits in how Stalin and Putin keep their house in order.”

“I run a tight ship,” said Tully after the mayoral chains were surgically removed from previous incumbent Cllr. Paul Bell. “You’ll do as I say. If you’re not with me, you’re against me. And if you’re against me I’ll crush your spirit as easily as that of a 1st year student in St. Joseph’s.”

Tully’s election comes at a critical juncture for Drogheda, with territorial expansion into Meath expected to be confirmed in the coming months. Jacinta Durnin, CEO of local political think tank LebensLouth had this to say.

“Some politicians make excellent peace time leaders, Shanks Godfrey being a case in point, he could build alliances and manoeuvred like he was playing a game of local political chess. But I wouldn’t class Oliver in that mould. For me he’s the perfect war time leader – cantankerous, merciless and physically imposing.

Supporters of Strongman Tully point to his exemplary record of zero traveller families parking in the vicinity of Baltray since 1992. The new mayor isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty either, once chiselling 180 anti-traveller blocks of granite from Drogheda quarry for use in Baltray.

Tully displayed a shrewd financial brain too, funding that venture by selling a portion of the blocks to private housing estates to use as name-stones which can still be seen today in estates like College Rise, Brookville and Newfield to name but a few.

Tully did not respond to claims that rates from Drogheda would be funnelled out to Baltray to revamp the back nine at the golf club however he was said to be delighted with his new chains.

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