Drogheda fire brigade was called to a field outside the town in the early hours of this morning after a group of militant social media feminists (and men who don’t like other men) torched a crop of rapeseed. The action followed an online protest at the field against rape in all its forms earlier in the day.
The field of scorched earth beside the motorway was once a dazzling blanket of shimmering yellow that brought momentary joy to listless commuters as they shuttled back and forth to joyless jobs. Now all that is left of is a carbonised copy of Stalin’s scorched earth policy during Operation Barbarossa.
A statement, written in menstrual discharge, was found sellotaped to the gate of the field.
“Farmers seem to think rape is acceptable, why else would they grow the seeds of rape in their fields? We oppose rape in all its manifestions, physical, mental, Facebook, cultural and agricultural…
“This act of wanton oppression by misogynist farmers was an insult to women and deserved to be destroyed. Signed, Women, (with assistance from some men who don’t like other men).”
A spokesfarmer for the field denied the charges and issued a bullish statement from his tractor.
“There seems to be a belief amongst social media feminists that the rapeseed fields either grow rapists or attract rapists. Once they hear the word rape they lash out.
“I can confirm that rapeseed is in no way connected to instances of rape, nor does it condone rape or act as a focal point for rapers. Rapeseed is a member of the cabbage family and its name dervies from the Latin for turnip, rāpa.
“Are the feminists (and men who don’t like other men) now going to attack our turnips or tar our cabbages with the rape brush purely by association with rapeseed? You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.
“We farmers would like to reiterate that rape is always evil. However, the people who burnt this innocent rape field are trivializing real rape. Do they really think that we get convicted or seasonal rapists in to wank into seed drills? We’re not growing fields of rapists, or indeed food for rapers as one feminist suggested. We’re just trying to make a living.”
Farmers growing rapeseed have been urged to harvest the crop before further destruction is wrought by feminists who don’t listen (and men who don’t like men).
The militant group have since issued a fatwa against vine growers for incorporating rape into their spelling of grape. Security has been upped in the fruit section of all local supermarkets.
The Faa Side is against rape.