Village News

Tullyallen Woman Loses Weight — Clogherhead Bodyshape Issues — Louth Meath Border Update

Tullyallen Woman Loses Weight

A Tullyallen woman who lost 1kg or 2.2lbs this week on her latest diet made sure that her friends were well aware of her achievement. Mum of none Helen, 37, invited friends around for an al fresco Sunday salad in the back garden.

 Piling enough salad onto her plate to crush a small dog, she ran through how exactly she lost the weight. Helen made a show of refusing any of the double chocolate Tiramisu she made that morning and couldn’t suppress a smile as her ‘friends’ tucked in despite them being at least three dress sizes smaller than her. Her strategy of fattening up her friends while starving herself should pay dividends when all the girls go away together to Gran Canaria in July.


Clogher Gym Bunnies Must Remember Leg Day

The strapping young lads from Clogherhead have been advised by health officials to remember leg day when they go to the gym. “It’s great that the young lads are exercising now,” said Dr. Eric Yeats, consultant gymcologist at the Lourdes Hostipal. “Years ago they’d just leave school at 14 and sit by the road smoking and rating the tractors going by. But too much upper body work and no leg work in the gym leaves them top heavy and triangular shaped. If this trait becomes imprinted on local DNA it could be catastrophic for future generations.”


Pear Shaped Women Urged to Marry Clogher Gym Bunnies

A pilot scheme whereby local pear shaped women are to receive tax breaks for marrying and procreating with the triangular shaped Clogherhead gym bunnies is to be launched this weekend by Louth Enterprise Board and local politicians in need of some face time in the local paper. 

A new app, Triangulation, which matches body shape will also be launched. It is hoped that the app (free for those effected) will result in normal shaped babies going forward. A similar scheme in Ardee in the 1990s worked a treat – it is thought that in two more generations, things will be back to normal.


Louth Inches Closer to Land Grab

The impending expansion of Louth into Meath gathered pace this week as households on the Meath side of the frontier began receiving letters with Louth addresses. It was part of a plan by An Post to familiarise postmen with the new address system. One postman admitted the extra workload would be a struggle.

“I usually go up to the county border in Beaubec and turn back. It’ll be hard to get used to it – muscle memory and all that. Still, it’ll be great for the town.”

As usual, outraged Royals were quick to anger. They immediately began waving Meath flags at LH reg cars and pelting postmen with rotten fruit and cutting barbs while passers-by were hit with an audio barrage of sledging – “Smokin’ Joe!” and “2010 Leinster Champions!” were shouted at passers-by who looked like sons of Cú Chulainn. Drogheda Borough Council plans to meet the hostility with love and compassion.