99s outselling drugs as ice-cream van profits soar

For many, the sound of the ice-cream van means one thing and one thing only – drugs in council estates. But things change quickly in a heat wave. Crime goes down, ice-cream sales go up. A new skillset is needed and many staff are let go until the cold weather comes back. We spoke to one angry ‘ice-cream’ van operative who feels let down by everything.

‘Ice-cream’ pusher Richie Hodgkins was let go on Saturday afternoon just hours after being ordered to go out and sell ice cream during the day. But Richie never received any cone training. To him, any mention of ice-cream was a euphemism for drugs. This led to an unfortunate misunderstanding in a one-time council estate.

Richie had mistakenly given a 7 year-old a cone with a scoop of frozen crack and a hash flake. The girl went baloobas but thankfully for Richie, consumed all the evidence before going loco. She is recovering in hostipal. Luckily nobody believes the bullshit of children. “Look it, it was a mistake on my part. We’re all human,” said Richie.

That was the second black mark against him that day after a compliment he paid a lady on Fair Street was reported to the guards as sexual harassment. “All I said to her was that if she ordered a 69 it’d be ‘on the van’ so to speak. Some women can’t take a compliment, I mean, I wouldn’t say it to any old munter.”

In the non-summer months, the ice-cream van tune is (literally) a wake-up call to a generation of slackers to go out and buy more drugs. The vans mostly appear at night, armed with a veritable pharmacy of popular highs as well as the best prescription drugs old people order to supplement their pensions.  

Mishaps are just part of the ice-cream van business. In a world where brutal turf wars are frequent and capitalism rampant, mistakes are bound to happen. Throw in a heat wave and a lack of training into the whippy machine and you’ll get a trouble flavoured cone.

Sales might be up, people may be wearing shorts and wearing flip flops…but at what cost? The next time you buy a 99, think of Richie. Think of the human cost.