Mayor Bell announced this morning that after intense negotiations with Met Éireann he has secured a heat wave for the town. Speaking in bespoke Hawaiian Council robes, the ubiquitous yet publicity shy mayor said that the heat wave would be “great for the town.”
The localised heat wave is expected to last all weekend and into next week and is being hailed as a coup for the town as Dundalk usually gets everything.
Mayor Bell confirmed that the heat wave will be both hotter and wavier than previous heat waves seen in the county.
“It is a testament to my negotiating skills that the heat wave will be more wavy and more hotter than your average bit of high pressure. Faa from me to clem credit for the sun but I tink I done a good job in bringing much needed heat to the town.”
Plans are in place to fill the banks of the Boyne with sand, creating an urban beach. “It’s a no brainer,” said a spokesham for the Council. “All the trollies dumped in the Boyne can double up as barbeque grills. We need to utilise our resources. It’ll be a great day out for the family, and for the town.”
The heat wave is also expected to create jobs. The long closed charcoal mines in Mell could reopen for the weekend that’s in it – though whether or not the unemployed want to work is another matter.
“I’d love a job so I would and anyone who knows me knows I’m a haad wuurkor,” said one unemployed woman. “But there’s no way I’m wuurkin if there’s a heat wave. Fuck that. I’ll take the job but and call in sick.”
What we know about the heat wave
- Exclusive to Drogheda – will stop at the town boundaries.
- Non-locals to pay a ‘sun tax’ on entering the town.
- Has already started.
- Temperatures expected to reach as high as 22°C.
Bell ended speculation that the move was a cynical vote grabber. “I like a bit of sun as much as the next man, that’s as far as it goes.” Despite possessing the mayoral chains for a third time, the heat wave is the first of his reign.