Meath plans to dam the Boyne revealed

Tensions between Louth and Meath are again teetering on the brink after plans by Meath County Council to dam the River Boyne on the Slane side of the border were released on Wikileaks.

The leaked blueprints reveal that plans are already at an advanced stage. Over 10,000 pages of official documents were released in the online drop over the weekend.

The range of documents is quite extensive, with many of them stamped TOP SECRIT. It was thought that this was a code name for the dam but it is probably just a typo – not uncommon in the Royal County given their notoriously low levels of literacy, a problem since compounded by the influx of Dubs and organised crime gangs to the county during the Celtic Tiger.

Documents from the early 1980s are written in crayon and are a mixture of rudimentary words and pictures. However, there is year on year improvement in the standard of document. The early 1990s saw heavy reliance on colouring pencils but from 1997 until 2006 (when the first computers were introduced to Meath) there was some really excellent marker work and none of the pictures of the dam showed any evidence of engineers colouring outside the lines.

The documents range from 1980 to March 2016 and show that contracts have already gone out to tender. Construction work is due to start in June and last up to two years. The damming of the Boyne could spell disaster for Drogheda – what business will invest in a town without a river?

However, some locals are seeing a positive side to the dam. Podge McCauley, a 34 year-old qualified builder hopes it will bring much needed employment to the town. “It’ll be great for the town in terms of employment so it will, unless they hire loads of Northerners like they always do.”

Others were less optimistic including a politics student from DIFE. “Wait and see, you’ll have people clambering for construction jobs and they’ll be the same people who voted in three TDs for Dundalk. Once the dam is built we’ll have no water. But they’ll be happy as they can protest about water again.”

However, while the dam would be disastrous for the town, there are some positives. It is hard to see any concerts in Slane for the foreseeable future. The former music venue, which once hosted genuine icons, has seen its rock stock plummet after performances by Robbie Williams, Madonna, Eminem, Stereophonics and most deplorable of all, Bon Jovi.

Anthropologists are excited by the info drop as it appears to vindicate the massive EU education funding poured into Meath alongside farming subsidies in the 1980s and 1990s while local historians have been trying to put a positive spin on things. “We’ll be ebble to see just what exactly is at the bottom of the Curly Hole. My money is on a big ancient plug that’s not been put on right,” said Archie Matthesis

The Faa Side is calling on Drogheda Borough Council to make a stand on this issue and retake Slane before it’s too late. They’ve never gotten over the Salmon of Knowledge being caught in Louth and action needs to be taken before our town loses it’s only river.