As part of our Kinda Lovin Drawda series, we accompanied the town’s most revered onanists on their new tour of Drogheda.
Public acts chicken choking have been a constant feature of Drogheda life since medieval times. However, it is only recently that the act itself has been self-regulated.
As a result Wanking Tours have taken off. We spoke to Supreme Wank Dragon BanjoString (his internet handle) about the movement.
“Wanking is a lot like photography. Most people think you just need to point the camera and click, or that if you take enough pictures one of them will be good, or if you have a fancy camera it’ll do the job for you.
“But they fail to take into account composition, creativity, spontaneity and timing. Having a good wank is an art. And like all good art, it should be displayed in public for people to appreciate. That’s what we’re about.”
The tour has a novelty factor in that it is conducted on Segway, partly as one of the members has opened a Segway rental shop but mainly as a means of outpacing any guards that come across the tour. Al fresco onanism is still an offence, though the movement hopes its intense and erotic lobbying of TD for Dundalk Peter Fitzpatrick will result in less stringent enforcement of the law in Louth. “Fitzer gets things done,” said a mouse clicker. “That’s why we went with him and not O’Dowd.”
The tour has been impeccably researched. We accessed the top wanking spot in the town via the steps down from Narrow West Street to St. Mary’s Abbey.
“The good thing about this place is you have a sense of history but more importantly, clear lines of approach,” BanjoString explained mid-tug. “It’s close to the cop shop so you’ve that element of danger that’s missing from your charity shops and your Weight Watchers classes. You only really need to worry about drones here though in the early days one tour got caught by the Google car.”
At €8 a pop this tour is great value for money. With a little relaxation of public indecency laws, it could become a major tourist attraction for the town; a cash cow to be milked like in Nobber.
“I know I sound like a footballer when I say this but I’m just happy to be getting paid for something I’d do and have done for free,” said BanjoString.
Organizers are hopeful of organizing the town’s first Flash Wank event during the summer and are calling out for volunteers to lend a hand.