Courts Round-up

This week for the Leader we spent a morning in the Courts with the salt of the earth. It was a bit of a mixed bag with the usual Meath thuggery in the dock, a dash of blasphemy, a strut of sexual peacocking and a cat facing a stretch in the slammer.

A 44 year-old man and his girlfriend have been ordered to pay €50 to the poor box and fined €10,000 under Ireland’s blasphemy laws in Drogheda District Court. Mark F. Beast, North Strand, and an 18 year-old local woman from the rough part of Bettystown, Lucy Fer, were also found guilty of trespassing on the grounds of St. Peter’s Church of Ireland.

Beast and Fer were out socializing on Friday 1 April when the ill fated decision to go for a quick schmoke was made. After scaling the church gate, Beast was heard to utter words of a blasphemous nature by one or more of the Christian deities omnipresent at the time. Gardaí arrived at the scene soon after, acting on an anonymous tip off.

The Court heard that Mr. Beast brazenly remarked that he’d have a schmoke whenever and wherever he liked, as none of the Holy Trinity were the boss of him.

Speaking through a burning bush, the Holy Trinity gave a personal impact statement. “The phrase ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’ simply isn’t true. Mr. Beast said some very hurtful and untrue things about Me, Us. Their kids’ll be going to an Educate Together School, that’s for sure.”

Mr. Beast has litany of previous convictions including thrice entering a church while wearing a hat and taking communion on the tongue at a family gathering while doing locksies with his fingers behind his back.

A Drogheda man who was seen strolling around the town with no top on last Tuesday morning has had the public order case against him dismissed under the Probation Act. Chum Abby, 25, was charged with reckless flexing of a fine set of abs at a time of the day liable to cause a traffic accident on the Bridge of Peace.

The Gardaí said the accused specifically chose 8.50am to 9.15am to coincide with mammies doing the school run. Judge McCabe dismissed the case but warned Lynch that any further displays of topless flexing would lead to a custodial sentence. “Get a Tinder account like the rest of us,” admonished Justice McCabe.

A man has been jailed for aggressive waving of a Meath flag on the Donore Road. Calum Flagg, Duleek, was detained under the Gross Indecency Act 2001. It was found that Heeney would wave his Meath flag at LH reg cars in an aggressive and smug manner and eyeballing the drivers while mouthing ‘Smokin’ Joe’. The Court heard he would smile and wave at MH reg cars while shouting ‘Up the Royals!’.

The cat had be due to meet friends but slyed off.

A cat called Tiddles has been charged with aggravated burglary and theft at the pier in Clogherhead. It is alleged that the cat snuck onto a trawler and proceeded to eat Saturday’s catch.

The Termonfeckin based cat openly admitted guilt when arrested and has shown no remorse whatsoever while incarcerated at Collon Cat Sanctuary pending trial. Tiddles is well known in the area and knows just when the dinner is on.

The kitty’s legal team said it was not in a cat’s nature to show remorse or feelings other than selfishness. “The opportunity was there and my client would’ve been a fool to turn it down, your Honour,” said a barrister for the cat.

The trial is expected to last three weeks.