Sinn Féin call off Easter Sunday West Street manoeuvres

Will this flag be flying over the Post Office this weekend?

An advertisement calling off the annual Sinn Féin parade on Easter Sunday has been placed in the Drogheda Independent newspaper. The advertisement, signed by President of the movement and TD for Dundalk Gerry Adams, instructs volunteers that Sunday’s manoeuvres have been cancelled and that all volunteers should stay at home.

No reason for the cancellation has been given. Unsurprisingly the local rumour mill has gone into overdrive.

The last minute cancellation may be linked to the recent sinking of a boat off Clogherhead which is thought to have carried the means needed to storm key strategic points in the town.

Those positions include the Post Office, the East Coast Bakehouse biscuit factory, The Lourdes Hostipal, Interflora on the Dublin Road, Tiger and Campus Oils, The Whitworth Hall, Millmount and the key communications lines including the Viaduct, The Green Man barber shop and the toll booths on the M1.

Gardaí have been put high alert and shown YouTube videos on how to call the Rapid Response Unit should weapons be involved. Soldiers at Gormanston have been issued with a blanket ban on attending the Grand National at Fairyhouse after a similar blunder hampered State efforts at quashing the last peasant uprising in 1916. A mobile Paddy Power betting trailer has been set up at the barracks.

Rumours of countermanding orders have circulated but at the moment nothing is concrete is known. It is thought that today might be the day to strike a blow against British oppression up north and the Pro-Treaty Fine Gael Government.

Given that yesterday the pubs were closed, key battalions from The Admirals, Sarsfields and The Hole in the Wall pubs should be freshly sober and determined in the name of God and of the dead generations from which she receives her old tradition of nationhood, to physically manifest their armchair rhetoric and strike a blow for Ireland’s freedom from the Brits by declaring Drogheda the true Republic.

But as yet nothing has happened. West Street is as unbusy as usual.

Republo-skeptics have dismissed the idea as a farce. Billy McWilliams, Third Lord of Townley Hall has called the rumours of a Shinner take over as as ridiculous as bombing a furniture factory whose owners deny the Virgin Mary.

“This current Sinn Féin bunch have nothing in common with the Arthur Griffith version. I know, I’ve studied my history. It’s in books so don’t be fooled. Think of it like this:

“You have a lad called Bernie who was born in 1890. He lived in Dublin and he died in 1960. Then another guy was born in 1990 and his name is also Bernie. He lives in Navan. He says he’s Bernie’s heir but we all know he’s not as his dad is from Abuja and his mam is Estonian. He has no connection whatsoever with the other Bernie. Sinn Féin back then and today’s Sinn Féin are like that. Actually they’re similar to Fianna Fáil so I wouldn’t be worried. I’ll still be going fox hunting.”

Local Sinn Féin councillors have dismissed “the mad ramblings of Lord McWilliams” as “West-Brit propaganda” and “a load of bollocks.” The rest of the Borough Council has called his analysis “bang on” though Cllr. Godfrey said he could see the merits of both sides of the argument and called for calm.

Drogheda’s sizeable scroat population is patiently waiting in the wings for any attack and many tracksuit clad groups have been seen practicing looting drills. Shoe shops have taken to social media to explain that the runners they display are always the left ones. However it is not known if this will deter the scroats, who have proven to be extremely genetically adaptable.

Bulletins throughout the weekend as needed…