God gets involved in row over local Dominican franchise closure


This week in the Drogheda Leader, we reported on the Dominican Church’s latest attempt to stave off closure of their Drogheda based franchise. The campaign got some facetime with God Himself…

In the latest attempt to keep Drogheda’s Dominican church open, the Order has announced it has secured exhibition rights to display the mummified remains of Mother Teresa.

An ecumenical entourage from Drogheda recently travelled to Rome to ask the omnipresent Christian God not to close the Drogheda’s Dominican franchise. The Order has had a presence in the town since 1224 CE and until quite recently was more than meeting its monthly quotas in terms of donations, confessions and that old staple, baptisms. Should the Domincans be lost from the town, the Augustinians will take over the mantle as the longest serving franchise in Drawda, followed by McDonalds.

The Drogheda delegation did get to meet with The Man Upstairs for a holy consultancy. During a robust back and forth, Himself castigated the delegation for failing to adapt to a changing marketplace. While He accepted that the delayed work on the semi-pedestrianisation of West Street had halved footfall around the church, He maintained that a couple of pop-up chapels over at the M1 Retail Park would work wonders.

“Lads, lads, lads… Hit them when they’re at their weakest. The consumer does be full of guilt and remorse after going shopping. That’s when you strike. Survival of the fittest! Eye of the Tiger!”

But according to Himself, that was not their biggest problem. They had been operating on an outdated relic model.

“Lookit. Ye have to sort out yisr relics. I mean, you guys have what? A replica of St. Bernadette? A class three relic at best. If I’m a floating voter I’m thinking that over on West Street they’ve got some class one relic action going on – the head and hips of St. Oliver Plunkett. I’m straight in there for a pray baby! Light a candle, that’s 50c, maybe hire a selfie-stick for a shot with the head. That’s a fiver; a tenner if you print out the photo on the spot, possibly more if you take a finders fee for directing them to the picture framers at the back of the Abbey Shopping Centre.

“Your current relic set up reminds me of that time I went to see the Tutenkamen show at the RDS and only found out after that everything was just a replica. I was gutted. It was €25 in…. Tell you what. Jesus?”

“Yes da…boss?”

“Sort these boys out with a lend of Mother Teresa until after Easter will you? Basic package – no movements, no miracles. Get your man St. Christopher over in transport to sort out the logistics and all that jazz will you? Bcc me on any emails, usual practice. Amen.”

The arrival of a second class one relic to Drogheda will go some way to softening the blow of losing out on a third TD for the town to Dundalk. It is hoped that sufficient relic worship will redress this balance in the near future as well as ensuring the Dominican franchise continues its long and proud association with our town.