The HSE has issued a warning to pregnant women in the Drogheda area after a sudden spike in the number of beady-eyed babies being born in the past two weeks. Hospital sources confirmed that the emergency streetwise midwifery team was dispatched from Crumlin last week to help local staff deal with the crisis.
This is the first confirmed outbreak of infant beady-eyedidness in Louth. Resident doctor Pajo Malik expressed concern that the virus was now passing between mother and child. “In my experience, beady-eyedidness develops in Drogheda’s youths from about the age of three, depending on a range of socio-economic factors. So to see children being born with it is very worrying indeed. We need to stop this virus.”
The HSE has denied reports that the maternity ward has been overwhelmed with little hard chaw babies scowling at each other, pickpocketing nurses and making lewd sexual comments. One report alleged that doctors briefly lost control of the ward to the babies, who only agreed to cede control back to staff after a delivery of 200 Johnny Blues and some non-child proof lighters.
One baby was seen smoking with his biological mother outside the gates of the hospital, another group were restrained by hospital security after intimidating pensioners on trollies and demanding protection money.
Witnesses spoke of other beady-eyed babies making demands on their parents. Gill Reynoulds was jogging in the graveyard when she came across this shocking scene.
“I looked over the wall at the cars that do be illegally parked on the double yellow lines outside the hostapil there and there was this baby on the bonnet of the car ordering his da to rob the car for the laugh. The baby already had a tracksuit and earrings. Thee robbed the car so thee did. I seen them later doing donuts in the Lourdes church caa paak.”
Doctors are at a loss to explain the sudden spurt. “There is usually a clump of scroats born in and around Christmas as a result of the bacchanalianly promiscuous nature of the town’s St. Patrick’s Day celebrations.
“It is not unusual for women to come in to us with multiple pregnancies from different partners at the same time. We have our suspicions that a genetic leap occurred in one of these cases and the virus is now airborn. All pregnant women are at risk, even posh ones. This is ten times worse than the Zika virus. God help us all,” scaremongered an unnamed HSE official.
Contraction of the virus inevitably leads to a life of aggression, petty crime and life-long tracksuit usage.