Dáil to hire Dundalk-English translator for Fitzer

The fittest TD in the Dáil will soon have a long overdue translator. Picture: Talk of the Town

An advertisement has been posted on the Oireachtas website for the position of translator for Louth TD Peter ‘Fitzer’ Fitzpatrick. Candidates must be fluent in the vagaries of mid-Louth and have a strong working knowledge of Dundalkese.

A Dáil spokesperson for staffing matters spoke to The Faa Side about the new position.

“The position is open to FETAC accredited translators of the Dundalk accent. While in theory Dundalk people use the same language, some people, myself included, just don’t understand what Deputy Fitzpatrick does be on about. It’s strange as I have no problem understanding Deputy Breathnach and sure Deputy Adams has only ever been in Dundalk when the Enterprise passes through or at the election count centre.

“The Deputy (Fitzpatrick) could have outlined the most brilliant plan for economic expansion since T.K. Whitaker but we just wouldn’t know it. We can’t take that chance this time around.

“Some people have a face for the radio, like Marty Morrissey, others have a voice for the written page, Fitzer would fall into this category. I’d imagine some school kids could develop an app that translates unintelligible people for the Young Scientist. With Fitzer and the Healy-Raes there’s definitely a gap in the market.”

textm Deputy Fitzpatrick did great work in the Dáil gym during the 31st Dáil, lifting all sorts of weights and doing the type of cardio workouts his constituents would be proud of. He also cozied up to the gun club lobby in what many fear to be a Trumpesque lurch to the far right. I guess we’ll only find out with the help of the new translator.

The position arose after the surprise re-election of Mr. Fitzpatrick in last month’s election, largely put down to his parish pumping of the north Louth GAA circuit and sending out thousands of unsolicited text messages to people in the Dundalk area begging for a vote. People responded to his plea as they were able to understand him in written form and of course, he was robbed by Martin Sludden and Smokin’ Joe Sheridan in the final of the 2010 Leinster Football Championship against Meath.

Applicants are advised to send in an application with a current photo of themselves. Standard industry rates apply. Family members may not be hired, but since when is that rule taken seriously?