The Faa Side finds it difficult to write about the League of Ireland without falling asleep and wandering off to do something else (sleepwalking).
The ZZZ Whatever-They’re-Calling-the-Electricty-Now League kickzzzzz… off this evening as the Super Drogzzzzzzzz… play host to some other team after dark. The other team zzzzzz… will field eleven players, azzzzzzz… will Drogheda. The samba band will be there too, making things even worse.
[Snorts coffee, fills bath with Red Bull, gets into bath, orders pores to open and absorb Red Bull. Drinks some Red Bull. Has a wee. The failure of the two liquids to merge reminds me of a programme I seen about the meeting of the waters near Manaus but it’s good to know which bits are still OK to drink. Hallucinate slightly. Am I really naked in a bath of bubbly blood? Get out. GET OUT! Towel off. Make reminder not to eat cheese tonight. Ready to write. Feel v sticky. Ok, League of Ireland lets go baby!]
Drogheda v Waterford
Both teams are said to be ‘raring to go’ and ‘up for it’. “Yeeeaaaahhh! We can win it!” said a sleeve tattoo in the mixed zone. “Lets get some goals with the ball!” explained a man with initials on his jacket. It is never explained what the initials mean or who put them there and questions about it go ignored. The man’s name is Pete like he is an American. But he’s not, he’s from Finglas where America was once popular.
Tactics are mentioned but they don’t matter at this level. Whatsoever.
As far as we know, the teams are due to be picked from a selection of guys that were really good at PE at school. Most of them have bland haircuts styled from the blunt end of the fashion scissors. They all look like each other, like Romania at France 98.
Some people say the players aren’t even that good. If you’ve seen proper football on the telly (football that attracts more than one camera) you’ll know that the players wouldn’t make the starting XI of Barcelona or Crusaders or any of the popular Scottish teams. But The Faa Side doesn’t watch League of Ireland so can’t comment either way.
Still, the local WAGs are not put off by this, happy to pan for gold in a puddle. They only see the glamour side of things. The players describe them in animalistic terms – foxes, minxes, sex kittens, bitches. One of them is described as a badger. A group of thin, mean, orange women clop by making demands and smoking. The new foreign signing, a Turk [see picture], doesn’t look impressed. But his strike partner Bellão does look impressed. The Drogs are hoping this contrasting big man-little man duo can fire the Drogs to promotion. Make them Super again.
There is a rack for selfie sticks in the dressing room.
I take a walk onto the hallowed turf where great Drogs of the past have plied their trade – Fabio, Robbie Horgan, Mickey Harte, Jairzinho. This place is a cathedral of football. Not one of your more modern churches either, a real old school kick and rush church with a faded advertisement for Jumbo Bins still visible on the roof of the main stand.
But back to the season opener. We’re confident one of the teams will have a really fast black forward with an end product one week but none the next. No wait, that was the 1990s. Statistics show that most goals are still created through luck.
RTE will be taking the best highlights and splicing them with Fair City. Hopefully both parties will benefit.
The Faa Side just can’t muster any enthusiasm about this so-called ‘sport’. Maybe it needs to dip into the bag of cans and wraps of ketamine left out at the Cross Lanes entrance to Hunky Park as an offering to the Laaancis Paak posse. Too many balls were lost last season after being booted out of the ground by panicking players receiving the ball under (not that much) pressure. A scutter of scroats would be waiting outside the ground to booorst the ball for the laugh to impress some gum-chewing scroatesses who they’d then go over to and finger on the street for all to see not a bother on them.
The Super Drogs will play a good load of games, not all of them at home either. They won the league during the Celtic Tiger, which shows what reckless lending and buying holiday apartments on the Marsh Road can do to a society.
Things could have been so different had Storm not been closed for renovations the day Ronaldinho was given the schmooz treatment by directors at the Bridgeford. But such is sport. Such is life. We always wonder about the road not taken.
Drogheda United kick off life in the First Division at home to Waterford at 19:45.