This week in the Leader we eavesdropped on two lads having a pint in the The Hole in the Wall. They were discussing the election. It was before noon.
Archie: There’s Frank, I’ve one on for you.
Frank: Sorry I’m late Archie, I was held up by some young one canvassing me. They’ve me mithered.
A: I know sure. If it’s not one crowd bleming t’other it’s one of them new shouty parties or some other one promising you the riches of the Drawda maaket.
F: Ah sure lookit. Me, meself and Eileen do play canvass bingo. It’s the only way to keep sane during an election.
A: How does it wuurk?
F: Well it’s like your traditional bingo but with words and soon to be broken promises instead of numbers. I know. It sounds crazy but bear with me.
A: Go on.
F: All we do is mark off the buzz words and crazy promises they do make. Whichever of us gets bingo first, wins.
A: Is there a prize?
F: Of course! The winner gets to slam the door in their faces without warning.
A: I like the sound of that! I’ve a different way of dealing with canvassers though. I do try and get them to promise the maddest things I can think of so I do.
F: What? Like getting everyone to pay the same rate of tax regardless of income?
A: Not as mad as that, but close! Me favourite was when one of them promised to tackle the issue of the town being too hilly.
F: Always with the hill hatin’.
A: Yeah well, this candidate agreed with me that both Constitution Hill and the hill on Peter Street were a terrible burden on the elderly of the town. And sure the faa side is wurse again, riddled with hills.
F: Haad to aague with that.
A: Says he, I’ll pearsonally arrange the bulldozing of all de hills in de town. Makes fiscal sense, says he – stimulating de construction industry and easing de buurden on the Luurdes hostipal ‘cos less elderly people’ll need hip replacements when de town is all flat like. And ‘tis easier to build houses on flat land too, especially in a housing crisis.
F: The construction industry up the north’ll be rubbing their hands if that lad gets in…
A: C’mere to me sure it gets bettor. One of them has the young fella doing a diploma in road studies over in DIFE. Grooming him for a career in politics.
F: Is that the young lad what does be out pointing at potholes and taking selfies?
A: The very same. Moving political discourse to the next level – social media.
F: They say he can identify every pothole from Mell to Collon purely by sound and once he’s shook hands with you he knows the name and location of all your relatives dating back to the plantations.
A: Remarkable. He’s so good they’re thinking of running him in the next general election, skipping the locals altogether.
F: He’s like one of them lads what skipped 4th class ‘cos they were so brainy.
A: Good to know the next generation of local politician is coming through.
F: God help us and save us.