O’Dowd woos youth vote with image change

Sitting TD for Housewives Fergus O’Dowd has reacted to a dip in the polls by changing his image just days before the election. Data compiled by Fine Gael election strategists revealed a disconnect between the ex-science teacher, cruelly labelled Fungus by students, and voters under the age of 55.

It is well known that Fergus has the housewife/henpecked husband vote sewn up but a series of gaffes have threatened to derail his automatic re-election. While damaged by creating Irish Water, O’Dowd fell on his sword and distanced himself from it, losing a junior ministry in the process. It was hoped in Fine Gael circles that this would be enough to guarantee his seat.

However, voters reacted badly to what they perceived as O’Dowd assuming he’d be re-elected by touting himself for the job of Ceann Comhairle, a position which returns its suitor automatically to the Dáil. Dundalk farming Lord Seamus Kirk availed of the role in 2008 and was automatically returned in 2011 where he has spent the past five years counting sheep.

“We felt it necessary for Fergus to adopt a ‘modern’ and ‘cool’ image to tap into recent political interest of young people what voted for the gays in the referendum,” explained a Fine Gael strategy guru. “We feel that the youth of today will identify with Fergus’s new Teddy Boy look, which is what our focus groups from Young Fine Gael tell us. 

“We’ve also given him a gold tooth as our research tells us that young people are into gangsta rap. Fergus knows that if he wears a cap it should be worn backways and that when not walking he should fold his arms.”

O’Dowd’s election team have denied that the image revamp is a response to fellow Fine Gael TD Peter ‘Fitzer’ Fitzpatrick’s rallying call to the youth of Louth. Yesterday saw Fitzpatrick release a dance fused election single incorporating elements of Brazilian Forró, experimental jazz bass and inspiring political rhetoric. “This has got nothing to do with that whatsoever,” insisted a Fine Gael media consultant.

The Faa Side spoke to some people on West Street yesterday and the majority were unaware that they didn’t have to vote for Fergus. 

“I thought we had to sure,” said part-time pet shop owner Gaz Fagan. “Sure that’s the man’s job so it is. What kind of bastard would vote a man out of his livelihood? Doing that sure you’d be as bad as that shower in Government.”