There was widespread excitement on the campaign trail last week as the Christian God, speaking through his earthly vassal David Bradley, announced His intention to run for office in the Louth Meath constituency.
After meetings with a new PR company and some focus groups, God or Yahweh to his inner circle, decided to dispense with his traditional burning bush apparition and instead use the vocal chords of local pension fund operations manager David Bradley. God had hoped to utilise Pope Francis but His plan was thwarted after election rules prohibits non-resident non-Irish nationals running for office. The general rule is that if you don’t have a PPS number you can’t run. Bradley was the perfect foil.
Speaking through Mr. Bradley at his campaign launch, God ignored the housing crisis and the Louth Meath Boundary Commission, instead delivering a message urging voters to involve Himself in all Government decisions.
He went on to plug his series of international bestsellers The Old Testament and The New Testament, known collectively as The Bible, before getting in some mass where He technically ate and drank Himself.
Despite the big announcement, the story failed to generate much national or international attention. Bradley was evasive when questioned about the nature of God warging into him and refused to answer questions from The Laytown Sentinel and The Ballymakenny Catholic about the nature of God’s control over his body and whether that impinged the celibacy rules established by His church. “There are three people in my marriage. Me, God and our wife. I have no further comment to make on the matter.”
The bookies are not confident of God’s chances and His late entry into the race coupled with questions over his split personality are polarizing voters.
Jim Gavin from Firestation Cottages said he might give him his fifth or sixth preference. “I like God’s stance on crime. An eye for an eye and all that but I think His son Jesus is way too soft on repeat offenders. Turn the other cheek? What planet is He living on? He’s obviously never been to St. Laurence Park.”
Doreen Butterly from Colpe was glad of God’s entry into the race and had already canvassed for Him on West Street. “He’s got my vote. The Holy Spirit does great unseen work fixing the roads and answering prayers. He doesn’t hog the limelight and gets things done.”
Cora Gibbons from Tredagh said she could take or leave God but was disappointed in his recent performances. “What has He done for Clogher recently? Fuck all. The road is still shite and it’s raining all the time.”
Gemma Robinson from Wheaton Hall thought it was a brave move by God. “I’ll be giving Him my first preference. There is not enough focus on people suffering from mental illnesses in this election. My brother suffers from a split personality so I know first hand how hard it can be.”
Speaking in a personal capacity, Bradley outlined his manifesto for the election.
“Me and God are running on the fact that man-made decisions and Fianna Fáil have created our current problems. With God on board, this will be eliminated and everything will be brilliant. There’ll be no water charges or USC and the only emigration will be people moving to Heaven. It’s obvious really. Vote God number one. Jesus number two and the Holy Spirit number three. Amen.”