The first week of the campaign got off to a bad start for the coalition as it emerged that the 7Up fountain in the Lourdes has been running on Lidl lemonade after HSE cutbacks. Suspicions were raised when patients started taking longer to recover.
The fountain was a gift from the Fine Gael/Labour coalition to the hostipal back in 2012. It was donated to balance cuts to the health system during the depths of austerity. Unveiled to much fanfare by Fine Gael TDs for Louth Peter ‘Fitzer’ Fitzpatrick and Fergus O’Dowd, the fountain was a welcome respite for patients.
Austerity had seen grape rationing on the wards and corridors leaving bare fruit bowls on trolley-side lockers…
A banana and an orange tree were planted beside the fountain but failed to thrive in the harsh economic climate.
The switch to Lidl lemonade was only noticed last week and it is not known when the outsourcing took place. The change is thought to have cost at least two jobs but created three new middle management admin roles.
Pavel Lato and Jared Dudek maintained the fizziness of the fountain, ensuring that it was flat at all times so as to extract maximum healing powers from it. They have since gone back to Poland, allegedly with bags full of hush money.
Asked about his role in the scandal, local TD and junior coalition partner Ged Nash had this to say.
“While this is an unfortunate incident, it’s important not to overlook Labour’s role in setting up the fountain. Labour acted as a temper to Fine Gael excesses. If it wasn’t for us Fine Gael would have filled the fountain with water, and not even sparkling water at that. Our influence got the 7Up put in.”
The 7Up fountain was a replacement for the Fianna Fáil fountain – a Baroque champagne fountain made of chocolate and Bulgarian apartments that came with a no questions asked 110% mortgage to anyone who used it. It was taken over by NAMA and sold to help pay the country’s debt at the start of the economic crisis.
Pavel Lato and Jared Dudek maintained the fizziness of the fountain, ensuring that it was flat at all times so as to extract maximum healing powers from it.
Conspiracy theorists and anti-water charges protesters have long speculated that it was only a matter of time before the true motivation behind the 7Up fountain revealed itself. They maintain that the fountain was installed not out of compassion but as a revenue generator for Irish Water.
One consultant, speaking on condition of anonymity, explained that the 7Up fountain was a waste of scarce resources. “If you can’t afford private health insurance then let’s be honest here, you’ve no business drinking 7Up.”
A statement from the Lourdes Hostipal blemt the worst nurse in the Lourdes for the scandal. “It’s probably Kelly Ann’s fault. She’s useless but she’s great craic.”